


I'll Think of You Before I Fall Asleep...

by multi_angxls



Category: The Good Doctor (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light Smut, Mentions of Panic Attacks, TW: Panic Attacks, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:14:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 30,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23175262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multi_angxls/pseuds/multi_angxls
Summary: Claire Browne begins having nightmares after her mother's death. In a time of need where Claire's sleep is overcome with anxiety and terror, Neil Melendez remains a constant in her life. Reluctantly, day by day, they grow and heal together in hopes of healing the scars and trauma that only they can see.
Relationships: Claire Browne & Neil Melendez, Claire Browne/Neil Melendez, Melendaire - Relationship
Comments: 104
Kudos: 273





	1. The Nightmares Begin

**Author's Note:**

> This one's going to be a doozy... buckle up folks ;)

Claire couldn’t quite remember when the nightmares had started. 

After her mom died, she started to have trouble sleeping. Back when she had fallen into her destructive patterns, it was easier to sleep since there was always something to distract her, from random strangers in her bed, or finding a quick cure to her massive hangover. Before, she had always managed to stay preoccupied. Now, as she began to piece her life back together again, her sleep became reckless and filled with thoughts that sent her tossing and turning. 

The nightmares weren’t always so frequent. At the start, they were spaced out and inconsistent, often only lasting a few minutes. As the weeks went by they grew from the shortest of bad dreams to long night terrors that sent her into full-blown panic attacks. They were constant, every day, and were almost always about her mother. 

“I’m the only one who will ever truly love you,” her mother would screech at her, “and I’m  _ dead _ . Oh, Claire, you’ll end up  _ just like me _ .” In her dreams, her mother’s screams were long and high pitched like a train whistle. There would be lights viciously flickering all around them and a shadow would pour itself all over the sky, consuming every part of her mind. She would wake up sweating and unable to breathe. She talked herself out of her panic attacks- something she learned to do at a very young age- and was never able to fall back asleep. 

Nobody at work knew about this, of course. She told Morgan and Park and Neil that she was getting her life together, going to therapy and getting better. She didn’t want to let anyone down. So, instead of simply taking a personal day, she would cover the bags under her eyes with makeup and drink coffee religiously. Coffee wasn’t the healthiest thing for you, but it was better than alcohol, and a hell of a lot better than being unemployed. Some days were rough though. Sometimes… well, it just wasn’t as easy to hide how tired and drained she was. Today was one of those days. The dark circles under her eyes were especially visible, and she had forgotten to get coffee before work. 

“Claire? Claire?” Claire was snapped out of her trans by the sound of Shaun calling her name.    
  
“Oh sorry, I was just thinking about a treatment for a patient,” she lied.

Shaun shrugged his shoulders and thought nothing of it. “Did you find a solution?”

“No, sorry.” She sighed and continued with her research, occasionally poking her arm with a pen to keep herself awake. She continued to do so throughout her shift. 

“Hey Browne,” she heard Nei- Dr. Melendez’s voice calling out to her from somewhere. She turned around to see him smiling at her. His voice was low in a soft mutter that came out almost raspy. Claire instinctively noticed how attractive it was and immediately beat herself up for thinking that. They were friends, plain and simple. Platonic friends. Why was it so hard for her to understand that? Men and women can be friends, they do it all the time. So what was making Claire feel like she had to constantly remind herself of that? “We're still good for tonight?” He asked. 

Shit. Claire almost forgot she was supposed to go to dinner with him after her shift today. She suddenly forced herself to perk up a bit. So what if she had to fake being energetic for a few hours? It wouldn’t be hard at all and was totally worth it. She wouldn’t let her stupid nightmares ruin her friendship with Neil. So, she shook off her fatigue and nodded, “Yep, seven o’clock sharp.” She made sure no one heard her, looking both ways to make sure there weren’t people listening to their conversation. Melendez pretended to be examining a chart while replying, “Perfect, see you there.” Still looking down at his clipboard, Claire could see a smile creep across his face as he looked up and winked at her as he walked away. 

Claire suddenly found herself in an extremely happy and energetic mood for the rest of her shift. Sure, the exhaustion was still very much there, but being around Melendez even if just for a moment was enough to keep herself from crashing. 

  * ~• 



Nighttime quickly rolled around and Claire soon found herself at a restaurant with Melendez. Dinner that night was a breath of fresh air. It wasn’t until Claire had stepped out of the hospital and into a nice restaurant with an exciting buzz of people that she realized how much working nonstop for 10 hours really contributed to her exhaustion. 

“So what did you do?” She asked.

“I got the hell out of there. I wasn’t going to stick around and have to explain to my professor that I was the one who spilled hot coffee all over his keyboard.” Neil chuckled. Claire returned the laugh, but the laugh turned quickly into a yawn she couldn’t stifle. 

“You okay? You look tired.” 

“Gee, thanks,” Claire teased groggily. Neil laughed again, still not convinced by her attempts to shrug it off but smart enough to know how stubborn Claire was. They ate the rest of their dinner pretending to ignore whenever Claire would yawn or start mumbling her words. The one advantage for Melendez was that Claire was so tired that she hardly noticed him pay for the bill when it came time to pack up, contrary to her normal protests and stubbornness when it came to who’s turn it was to pay. 

“I guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow then?” Neil asked as they walked out of the restaurant. 

“Yep,” Claire nodded tiredly. She didn’t even notice or care for that matter, how close her eyes were to closing. Melendez started to walk to his car, but Claire stayed put. Her car had been towed this morning. Apparently the universe had no plans on letting her bad luck streak be over anytime soon.” 

“Aren’t you going to your car?” Neil asked. Claire sat there awkwardly. 

“Actually,” she started with a nervous laugh, “long story short, my car was towed this morning.”

“So how’d you get to work today?” 

“Same way I got here and the same way I’ll leave here: by calling an Uber.”

Neil laughed as though she’d just said something absurd. “Don’t be ridiculous, you won’t need to call an Uber. Come on, I’ll give you a ride home.” 

“That’s very kind of you but I—” Claire started to yawn, “I don’t n— need anyone to take me home.” She kept talking through her yawn. 

Neil smiled at her and raised an eyebrow, knowing she was just being as stubborn as always. 

“Okay, maybe you’re right,” Claire chuckled. “I could use a ride home.” 

“Come on, my car’s over there,” Melendez smiled, nodding down the street. Claire got up from the bench and fell into step with him. They walked the rest of the way to his car in silence and another wave of fatigue hit Claire hard like a rock. She got into the passenger seat of his car, appreciating how much nicer the seating was compared to the rough wooden chairs in the restaurant that had made it impossible for her to be comfortable. But here, it was comfortable and cozy enough- the leather seating, the car air freshener, the faint smell of Neil’s cologne. Here it felt so safe and warm and inviting that it made it impossible for her not to close her eyes, just for one second… 

“What’s your address again—” Melendez turned his head to Claire after putting his seatbelt on. Asking her where she lived was no use as she had already fallen asleep in the passenger seat, her chest rising and falling slowly. Seeing her so peaceful and cozy in his car made his chest go warm and numb with a sentiment he knew he shouldn’t be feeling: joy. It also, however, left him in quite the predicament. He had no idea where Claire lived. So, after giving it a moment’s thought, he drove straight to his place. He pulled up onto his driveway and got out of the car. Unlocking his door and leaving it wide open was smart and facilitated his journey as he unbuckled Claire’s seat belt to carry her inside. He crossed the threshold with Claire in his arms and shut the door with his foot. Her face was cradled into his neck and it made the hairs on the back of his neck tingle. Placing her down on his bed gently, he was slightly impressed that she had managed to stay asleep with all the commotion he’d caused. The number of things he had knocked over while carrying her inside was, well… definitely more than just a few, to say the least. He pulled his sheets over her and brushed her hair out of her face when it suddenly dawned on him that this was his bed. And that.. that was Claire. Claire Browne was in his bed. The statement repeated itself in his head so much until his heart pounded like an alarm. He took a look at her, peaceful and somehow still managing to smile even in her sleep, and knew he shouldn’t feel what he was feeling. That feeling of having a knot in his stomach, that feeling he always seemed to have around Claire. It shouldn’t be there and it was, but it was too late to care. He turned around and headed for his couch, leaving Claire to sleep in his room. It was the least he could do. She’d been exhausted all day and he had a feeling it was just a one-time thing. Something must have been bothering her lately, and he beat himself up for not seeing it sooner. How could he have missed it? She had been yawning a lot more on their runs and had been scheduling everything earlier in the night nowadays. Something was up, something was going on in that beautiful mind of hers.  _ All of that, however _ , he thought as he grabbed a spare pillow and curled up on the couch in his pajamas,  _ can wait until tomorrow _ . For now, he just shut his eyes and focused on sleeping. 

The image of Claire laughing at the restaurant was the last thing he thought of before dozing off. 


	2. I'm Not the Monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil wakes up in the middle of the night and hears screams. 
> 
> WARNING / TW: Contains descriptions of nightmares and panic attacks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING / TW: Contains descriptions of nightmares and panic attacks
> 
> (I'm putting this again so you don't miss it, I don't want anyone reading something they aren't mentally prepared to read)

The scream that woke Neil up in the middle of the night was shrill and horrid. He had jolted awake and checked his phone to find that he’d only been asleep for three hours. Hearing how close the screams were, he remembered why he was sleeping on the couch instead of his bed and his mind caught itself up on the rest of the events last night. 

Claire. The noises were coming from his room where she was sleeping. The thought of something bad happening to her made him shift into action and he jumped out of bed, racing towards his room. He flung the door open only to find Claire lying down and curled up in a ball on his bed. Her hands were over her ears, her eyebrows were knitted, and her face was glistening with the thinnest layer of sweat and tears. 

She was screaming at the top of her lungs. 

*~*~*~*~* 

_ Claire was walking down a narrow hallway. She couldn’t tell where she was but as she walked further down she saw thick metal bars and smelled the scent of crappy coffee, instantly recognizing her home town’s county jail. It was exactly how she had remembered it; the walls thin and beige, the blur of blue uniforms moving around her before she could even make out any name tags. The sensation of being lost and alone felt all too familiar. She walked towards the bars of the holding cell, her eyes suddenly focused on a figure inside. Somehow, without seeing their face, she could tell it was a woman that she knew.  _

_ “Hello?” She inched closer to the bars, peering through to see who this woman was. She was sitting in the corner of the cell and Claire could hear something she assumed were whimpers. “Who are you?” _

_ The whimpers weren’t whimpers anymore, they were laughs. Small giggles that sounded weirdly pitched and ominous. There were cans of vodka and gin all around the cell, and the figure hiccupped through her deranged laughs. She remembered this feeling, this situation. This horror. Her grip on the cell bars tightened. “... Mom?” It came out as a quiet whimper, tears forming at the corners of her eyes. The figure turned her head around and sure enough, Breeze Browne sat in the cell looking up at Claire, her pupils sad, eerie, and unsurprisingly dilated. “Hi honey, won’t you join me?”  _

_ Claire’s hands let go of the bars. She stuck a hand out into the cell. “Mom you’re scaring me. Come on we have to go. We have to leave here.” The words rang through the cell in an echo that made her even more eager to leave.  _

_ “Why?” Her mom looked genuinely confused. Claire exhaled in frustration, desperate to get them out of there.  _

_ “Because-” She whined and pleaded with her, “because it’s not safe here.”  _

_ Her mom chuckled. “Of course it’s not safe. Why should that mean we should leave? It’s fun here. I don’t like it out there. At home, with you. It’s no fun there. I want to be here…” her mom paused and flashed her most deranged smile at Claire. “You can have fun here too, Claire Bear. I promise you’ll have a good time.” _

_ “No. No, it’s not fun here. I don’t like it here. I’m not like you.” Her mother got up and ran towards the bars faster than the speed of light. Claire yanked her hand away out from the cell and backed up, her mother’s face squeezed in between the bars now like an animal in a cage.  _

_ “You are exactly like me.” Her mother hissed at her. Claire remembered the tone of her mother’s voice from when she was a child, the quick change from happy to infuriated. _

_ “No, I’m not. I’m not like you and I never will be!” Claire was screeching back now and refused to believe a word of what her mother said. Suddenly, quicker than the blink of an eye, her mother’s face was gone and replaced with the image of hers. She felt like she was standing in a mirror that showed the worst parts of herself. The figure was Claire alright. Height, weight, hair colour, all of it. Except worse. Her makeup streamed down her face, there were dark shadows under her eyes, her clothes were ratty, and she reeked of booze. She hated everything about what she saw.  _

_ The darker version of herself spoke. “But you are. You are me. This, Claire? This is who you are. Mom wasn’t the monster. It was never her fault, it was ours. It was yours, Claire. All your fault. All your fault. All your fault.” The words rang through her mind. They weren’t even coming out of the mouth of the darker version of herself anymore, they were ringing throughout the sheriff station’s PA system. She backed up from the cell, walking backward slowly as the words kept ringing through her head louder than a fire alarm. The metal bars dissipated into black smoke. Then, the empty glass bottles dissipated too, and soon Claire’s darker self, the walls, the desks, and the mugs of coffee all turned into black smoke. The smoke poured down the hallways that gradually became more and more narrow. She pounded her fists against the walls, looking up, down, or anywhere that might offer some kind of escape. She kept screaming, “It’s not my fault, I’m not the monster! I’m not a monster! I’m not a monster!” She screamed so loud to try and drain out the voice telling her otherwise, but she couldn’t tell if it was working. She couldn’t hear herself. The halls were now so narrow they touched her shoulders, and she uncovered her ears to pound on the walls for help. It wasn’t working, it was all going to end…  _

She woke up to the voice of someone shouting her name. “Claire! Claire!” Her eyes opened, and it took her a minute to realize she was actually screaming. She thought she had imagined it at first. Now, as she came to her senses, her screams turned to quick, heavy, and inconsistent panting that she couldn’t stop and she held her hands over her ears to block out the sounds of her nightmares that were still pounding in her ears. Tears were streaming down her face, she had to calm down. She sat up and took a look at her surroundings. They weren’t familiar, which made things worse. She then remembered that there was a voice, a voice that had called out to her. Her hands dug into the bed and squeezed a handful of the sheets as she looked around one side of the room frantically for a clue as to where she was. She couldn’t focus enough to remember last night, or even figure it out on her own. 

“Where am I?” She heard the desperation in her voice and hated it. 

“Hey! Hey! You’re okay, you’re at my place.” The voice was much closer to her than she had thought. She could hear it coming from behind her next to the nightstand she somehow knew would be there. She didn’t have to turn around. Regardless of her memories of the previous night suddenly flooding back into her head, she could recognize that voice from a mile away. That low scratchy voice that soothed her during her bad days and turned her on during her good ones. The voice that she could never get out of her head, no matter how much she tried. Melendez. She turned herself around on the bed, still hyperventilating. She was crying but as she turned around and saw Neil there, she didn’t even care.

She tried to say something to him, but through the stammers and short breaths all she could muster was, “Neil?” 

“Yeah, it’s me. Hey, I’m here. Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be okay.” He sat down next to her on the bed. Her mind was still frantic, and she looked around the room as though she was searching for something. She couldn’t seem to slow down her breathing which made her cry even more. Even awake, she was replicating that lonely feeling her nightmares gave her. 

“I’m not a monster. I’m not a monster. I’m not a monster,” she repeated to herself, disappointed that it came out more like begging than reassuring. Neil cupped her cheek with one hand and put his other on her shoulder. He gently turned her neck guiding her face to stop looking around and to look at his.

“Hey, hey! You’re not a monster. Look at me.” Her eyes stopped darting around and focused on him. Her breathing was still fast and her tears were still flooding down her face like a stream, but she stopped muttering her little mantra as soon as she saw his face. He looked tired and weary, but mostly he looked worried. So damn worried. Did she do this? Was he really  _ this _ worried about her? “Breathe,” he continued, taking a deep breath as an example. “Just take a deep breath, in and out.” She gave it a shot, taking a shaky inhale and an exhale that let out a small sob at the end. She kept trying to slow her breathing down, this time digging her head into Neil’s shoulder. His arms wrapped around her gently as he rubbed her back a little bit. 

“Good. Now do it again.” He encouraged her again and again, Claire mirroring his pattern of breathing in and breathing out until her breath was partially back to the way it used to be (minus the occasional sob or two). Tonight was a particularly bad night. Claire was normally able to do this herself, but it was one of those days where she couldn’t do it alone. It took them a while but eventually, they got there. Her breathing returned to a steady pattern until she was left with nothing but a sheet of tears glossed over her face. She remained in his arms, his face buried into her hair. She focused on the smell of his pajama shirt, on the warmth of his arms, on all the things she shouldn’t be focusing on but had no strength to care, until slowly but surely they fell back onto the bed. Claire never freed herself from his embrace, letting herself find a safe haven in the arms of the person she trusted most in this world. 

In the few hours left before morning came, and without even meaning to, they both fell asleep in each other's arms. 


	3. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melendez and Claire wake up the next morning. Awkwardness ensues, to say the least, as the two of them walk on eggshells unsure and slightly unwilling to be the first person to say something about what had happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a filler chapter but I just need to set some things up for what’s going to happen. However, I did try to make it cute so I hope you guys like it :)

Claire smelled like flowers. 

Melendez woke up the next morning with Claire in his arms, something he had never expected to happen in a million years. There was a time when the number of professional boundaries they were breaking would have bothered him but now as he lay there with her, all of his worries slipped away. The only thing he could seem to focus on was how much Claire smelled like flowers. 

The smell wasn’t sweet but was calming and earthy, like the chrysanthemums his mother used to plant in their garden when he was a child. The smell was intriguingly enticing and he soon found that everything about Claire- the smell of her hair, her warmth, her tiny sighs as she slept- started slowly pulling him back into bed no matter how hard he tried to get up. He lifted his head up from the corner of her shoulder, glancing at her to see if she was awake. Even asleep and after all that she had been through, that  _ one thought _ came back to him. That thought he knew he shouldn’t be thinking, especially about someone who was his friend, and a taken one no less. The one that, through his constant reminders to himself that they were just friends, always seemed to spill through the cracks of his mind: that Claire Browne was just absolutely, positively…  _ beautiful _ . 

Before he had the time to chastise himself for thinking that, he felt Claire’s body shift from between his arms. She pulled away from his embrace so that she could sit up properly, rubbing her eyes. She still looked as tired as she had last night, but she looked less sad which Neil took as a good sign. She sighed and stretched, looking around the room before remembering exactly what had happened and turning to see Neil sitting next to her. Looking down at the sheets it suddenly dawned on her that she had just spent the night in his arms. Neil tried to suppress a small laugh. She looked like a deer in headlights, a deer in headlights that also happened to be blushing profusely. 

“Hi.” 

“Hi,” she replied. She stood up and Neil did the same, the two of them on opposite sides of the bed now. She looked unsure of what to do with herself and Melendez had a feeling that he looked just as unsure of himself. It was as though all of his vocabulary had been thrown out of the door. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. Still tired, but I mean, better than last night…” her voice trailed off. He could tell her mind was already back there, reliving whatever she had been dreaming about. 

“How long have you been having nightmares?” He took a risk and asked her. 

“A while. Ever since my mom died, really.” He was surprised that she didn’t tense up like he thought she would. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Maybe later,” she sighed. Her voice sounded tired and weary. “Uh… but anyway, thank you for last night. I mean- everything that you did. It- you really helped me out. So, uh… thanks.” 

He nodded and respected her decision to not talk about it for now. “Yeah, uh, of course. I mean, that’s what friends are for, right?” The word  _ friend _ felt so wrong coming out of his mouth, like a hiccup in his sentence. They looked at each other intently from across the bed. Her eyes looked so beautiful. She looked tired, but looking into them sent his heart racing in ways he knew shouldn’t. She looked like she wanted to say something desperately and Neil was slightly disappointed when she said nothing and instead broke eye contact, looking down at her shoes. 

“Right… friends.” Her voice choked on the word  _ friend _ just like his voice had. “I should probably go home. I need a change of clothes before we go to work.” She laughed as she looked down to her outfit. Her shirt still had blotches of tears on it, and her pants were wrinkled from being bunched up against the sheets all night. 

“I’ll give you a ride,” Melendez said out of pure instinct, remembering that her car had been towed. Claire laughed at that too, and he didn’t know why. 

“Really I couldn’t accept. You’ve already done more than enough,” she waved her hands around the room, “I’ll be okay, really. I shouldn’t have even been here in the first place.”

“Hey,” he started, his voice becoming softer, “don’t be ridiculous. I was happy to help. I’ll drive you to wherever your car was towed and you can pick it up.”

Claire sighed and reluctantly gave in. “Oh alright, fine. You’re too nice, you know. It’s frustrating to be honest,” she teased. He laughed, “I know, it’s a curse.” Claire pretended to roll her eyes but Neil could see the smile that formed at the corners of her lips. 

Melendez made coffee for them before hitting the road, adding cream to Claire’s but no sugar just the way she liked it. Claire was skeptical at first but Melendez had a feeling that Claire would need coffee if she was going to get through the day. Throughout all of their bickering, Neil noticed how she would still occasionally rub her temples or yawn. He had temporarily made her forget her troubles, but he was naive to think everything would be better after one night. Didn’t she know that she didn’t have to be strong all the time, especially around him?

He got into the car and handed the coffee to her. Holding the mug close to her chest, she thanked him before taking a sip. Claire gave him directions to get to where her car had been towed but they never said anything else for the rest of the car ride. Neil wanted to talk about last night, and he knew Claire probably wanted to talk about everything  _ but _ last night, so he kept his mouth shut. As he pulled up to the towing station, he parked the car and sat back in his seat. 

“I’ll uh, see you at work I guess,” she said with a weak chuckle. 

“Yeah. Promise me you’ll tell me if anything’s wrong, okay?” She laughed a little at first, but stopped as soon as she looked at him and saw how serious and worried he was. She could tell he wasn’t talking about her car at all. 

“I will,” she promised in a soft whisper as though it were a secret between the two of them. She unbuckled her seatbelt and turned around to face Neil. “And Neil?”

“Yes?” 

“Thank you.” 

“You already said that,” he smiled.

“No, I know. I mean…  _ thank you _ . For… everything.” She looked at him again with that look of wanting to say more but not being able to. He hated how much he wanted to reach across the armrests of the car and hug her. “Of course, anytime.” They sat in silence looking at each other for what felt like centuries, and yet not nearly enough time. 

“Bye.” Claire’s tone was gentle and warm and he could hear the hint of longing in it, making him wish even more that she’d stay and talk with him. She got out of the car and waved goodbye as he drove away. He couldn’t help but look at her through his rearview mirror to make sure she was okay. 

Three hours later, he pulled up to work to find an empty mug on his desk with a sticky note.

_ Sorry for stealing your mug. Thanks again, for everything. It means a lot.  _

_ P.S: Meet me in the park for lunch. 12 pm sharp :)  _

Neil couldn’t focus on anything else for the rest of the morning.


	4. Betrayal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire and Neil meet up for lunch to discuss what happened, as Claire gets more and more tired and unable to deal with her stress and hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry in advance guys, sometimes things have got to get worse before they get better lol

For the first time in years, Claire had no idea what to say.

At first, when she had returned Neil’s mug to him and invited him to lunch, she thought nothing of it. After all, they’d done it before, meeting up for clandestine outings at their bench in the park just outside hospital premises. It wasn’t out of the ordinary for them to meet up for lunch but the more Claire thought about it, the more nervous she got. Because it  _ definitely was _ out of the ordinary for her to fall asleep in his arms after having a panic attack. She knew she wouldn’t have been able to avoid talking about it for much longer. The only thing was that now, on top of having to explain her awful dreams, she also had to clear the air on whatever had happened last night. She already hated how hard this was going to be. All of this pain inside her still scared of her nightmares. All this anger in her for feeling this weak. All this confusion her relationship with Neil was causing her. It was too much to deal with at once. She fiddled with her thumbs and bit her lip, trying to think of what to say. For someone who was used to giving advice to everyone around her, she really had no clue how to start things off. Claire Browne was at a loss for words for once in her life and it frustrated the hell out of her. 

“Hey.” Claire was so deep in thought she had hardly noticed that Neil was suddenly standing next to the bench. “Can I sit?   
  


“Yeah of course,” she replied. He sat down next to her and flashed her a goofy smile. She smiled back and let her shoulders relax. This was easy. Just her and Neil in a park. It was manageable. She pulled out her homemade lunch (she was sick of eating the crappy cafeteria food) and pulled out a peanut butter and jam sandwich. “You want half?” 

“Sure,” he looked happily surprised as he took his half, inspecting it as though it were some foreign object. “I can’t remember the last time I had a PB & J.” He laughed and clinked his half against hers. “Cheers.” 

“Cheers.” She smiled and took a bite. He seemed to savour it much more than she did. The way he furrowed his eyebrows and nodded excitedly after his first bite made it seem like it was the most exquisite meal on the planet. As they finished their food in silence, Claire gave in to her impulses momentarily and let herself think the first thought that came to her mind: that Neil Melendez couldn’t even eat a damn sandwich without being adorably handsome. Then, she snapped out of it, remembering that those very thoughts were why she was there in the first place. 

“So,” Claire was surprised that Melendez was the one to start. “Are you… ready to talk about it?”

She gave a short nod, pursing her lips and preparing to explain everything. “I started having nightmares after my mom died. At first, they were nothing, just bad dreams about her and about my past that I could just shake off,” she scoffed, “but as time went on, they got worse. I just got so scared that I’d end up like her, and they were so awful that I started having panic attacks. Normally I’m able to calm myself down from them. I used to do that as a kid. Last night was a bad one though.” The memory of it sent chills down her spine. Melendez shifted in his spot on the bench and Claire could tell that the memory was almost just as unpleasant for him as it was for her.

“Claire, it’s going to be okay. You won’t have to go through this alone.” He moved closer to her until their shoulders were pressed against each other. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?” 

“Because I was doing so well,” she hated how much she sounded like she was complaining, but it was the truth. “I was working so hard to get better. I didn’t want to admit to myself that I wasn’t okay, nevermind admit it to you or anyone for that matter.” 

“I’m not just anyone,” he responded, his voice soft and raspy again just like his voice always was when he said something intimate that he could only say if he were muttering it.

Claire looked at him and saw the hurt in his eyes. Her mind wandered back to his bed, where there was nothing but his comfort and warmth. She wished she could be back there instead of here, having to talk about everything that had happened. “I know.” 

Melendez turned himself around in his spot so that he was facing Claire. “Have you considered talking to anyone else about it?” 

“Yeah, I just started talking about it with my therapist yesterday. She thinks it might be part of my PTSD. I think that’s why last night was worse than other nights.” 

“What about Dash? Does he know?” 

She scoffed, finding the idea of telling Dash amusingly unappealing. “No. What Dash doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Besides, I broke up with him last week anyway.” 

“You two broke up?” Claire wasn’t sure if she had imagined it but she could have sworn she heard Neil’s voice perk up a little bit. The thought of him being happy about that excited her but she had more important things to worry about. Things like the yawn she had to stifle or the massive headache creeping up on her just thinking about last night. 

“Yeah. We’re still friends though.” Melendez didn’t bother to pry any further and nodded in understanding. Claire couldn’t help but wonder if he was thinking about Lim. After all, they had remained friends as well, he’d relate to her situation with Dash more than anyone.

Neil paused and inhaled sharply before deciding to take a risk. “I think you should tell him, or someone. Anyone really.” 

Claire felt a wave of exhaustion hit her just thinking about telling someone else. She didn't want to have to discuss this with anyone else seeing as it took so much out of her just to tell one of the people she trusted the most. “And why would I do that?” Out of habit, she stood up and packed up her things. Normally they walked around after they ate lunch so she had become used to it. She didn’t feel like walking around though, so she slowed down her movements and stopped packing things up. 

“Look, you know I’ll always be here for you but it’s not good for you to keep everything bottled up from everyone else. Talking about it might help you.” 

Claire felt the bitter sting from his words when it dawned on her that he didn’t think she could handle this by herself. This wasn’t going according to plan and she hated it. “And  _ you _ know what’s good for me?” she shot back. 

He stood up and was facing her now. “No, that’s not what I meant. It’s just… well, in my experience—”

“— and what experience would that be?” She felt her voice get louder and more cutthroat. “Because while we’ve been doing— well, whatever we’ve been doing, I’ve narrated my entire life story to you and you’ve given me practically nothing.” 

“That’s what you're mad about?” He sounded shocked. Did he really have no idea how little he was actually opening up to her? She rubbed her temples in frustration still dumbfounded as to how he didn’t realize that before. Claire was only sure of one thing now: she was way too tired for this. 

“No, I’m mad because you think that you can tell me what to do based on your experiences and still not tell me  _ shit _ about what your experiences actually were!” 

“It was just a suggestion, I’m not trying to control you! How can I be the one at fault here?  _ You’re _ the one that’s trying to push me away, just like with your mother—” Neil froze, realizing what he had just said one second too late to stop it before it came out. Claire stood still, petrified in the aftershock of what he had said. 

He slammed his eyes shut clearly regretting his last statement. Claire sighed and walked away, too tired to think of a comeback but too angry to forgive him. Out of pure instinct, Neil reached for her hand. “Claire—”

She pulled her hand back and stared at him. “No. You were the only person I thought would never say that. And you can’t do that either,” she gestured towards his hand, “that’s the other thing. Whether we meant to or not last night we crossed a boundary we never should have crossed and I regret it—”

“Hey, don’t say that,” he said almost like a reassurance that everything would be okay. Although, Claire wasn’t quite sure whether he was reassuring her or reassuring himself. “Last night happened. Whether we’re in a fight or not, it happened and we can’t pretend like it didn’t.” 

“But we  _ are _ in a fight,” she huffed while trying and desperately failing to hold back her tears, “and what we are to each other doesn’t matter anyway. I’ll just end up pushing you away just like I did with my mother, isn’t that what you said?” 

He looked so pained by her words. Parts of Claire wanted desperately for him to feel the same sense of humiliating betrayal as she did but other parts of her hated seeing him like this. “That’s not what I meant and you know it,” he replied. 

Claire shut her eyes trying to push back her tears again and still had no success. She wiped the stream of tears off her cheek and grabbed her purse, already backing up to begin walking away. Frustrated by how complicated things had become between them, she blurted out the most hurtful thing she could think of at that moment. 

“I should have taken that fucking Uber.” The last thing she saw was the image of Neil hurt and heartbroken, wiping away a few tears, before turning her back on him and walking away toward the hospital entrance. These nightmares were taking everything out of her but she was so tired that she could do nothing but let herself drown in the destruction they had created in her life. It took every ounce of willpower in her body to not turn around and look at him and even then, once she was far enough away that he wouldn’t notice, Claire still turned around to see if Neil was still there, disappointed by what she saw. 

Neil was gone. 


	5. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Melendez asks to talk with Claire days after their fight, willing to do whatever it takes to make up for what he said.

_ Stupid stupid stupid _ . Neil sat in his office and stared at his framed medical degrees and all of the awards he had managed to receive over the years, baffled and trying to figure out how he could be this damn…  _ stupid _ .

The past few days had been miserable for him. He had hated everything about what came out of his mouth the other day during his fight with Claire. If he were her, he’d hate himself too. She had every right to be mad at him, he shouldn’t have pushed it. He felt awful for hurting her when the only thing he had been focused on ever since that night when she woke up screaming was making her feel better. He had tried to call Claire almost immediately after their fight but she ignored his phone calls every time.  _ God _ , he hated not talking to her. He wanted to apologize to her and then to put all of it behind them. He wanted to go running on the track with her, he wanted to go back to doing what they had been doing before… except part of him didn’t. Part of him wanted more. 

He was stupid for not realizing it sooner really. The warm feeling in his chest he got whenever he was around her, the sense of pride he got when he made her laugh or smile, the way that when she woke up in his arms it had felt like he was just meant to hold her. She was the best part of his day and now that she stopped talking to him, the absolute misery also brought a sense of clarity. He, Neil Melendez, had feelings for Claire Browne. He had feelings for her, and now she was avoiding him every chance she got and wouldn’t even talk to him. He banged his head softly against his desk, fully soaking in the realization of how badly he had messed up. He screwed up  _ bad _ and he had to do whatever it took to make it right. Inspiration dawning on him, he grabbed his phone out of his office desk and sent a single text to Claire- the text that would make everything okay. Now, all he could do was wait and hope she would hear him out. 

*~*~*~*~*

Claire was getting her things and preparing to leave after a long shift at work when her phone buzzed. 

_ Neil: Can you meet me in my office? I want to talk.  _

_ Delivered 2 minutes ago  _

Her heart skipped a beat just by looking at the text. She hadn’t talked or spoken to Melendez in days. She was on Andrews’s rotation this week which worked out perfectly for her but throughout all of this anger and hurt, she still missed Neil like crazy. The more she stared at the invitation on her phone, the more she felt more inclined to go and hear him out. Besides, she had succumbed to his suggestion and found she was actually starting to sleep better. Claire was happily surprised that Morgan was really understanding about the whole thing. Her therapist even gave her tips on how to help relieve the nightmares. She hated that he had been right, but she hated not seeing him way more. Not being around him made her absolutely miserable and she regretted leaving things the way she had. So, she grabbed her coat and purse and headed towards his office, bracing herself once again for what might happen.

When she entered Neil’s office he was sitting on the couch, his elbows on his knees, fiddling with his thumbs just like she had been doing the day of their fight. “You came.”

“Yep,” she replied. The tension in the room settled in once she realized that those were the first words they’d said to each other since their fight. She said nothing else, instead choosing to sit down next to him leaving very little space between them. There was a beat where everything was still as they sat in silence and Claire could hear her heart pounding in her chest.

“I am so sorry, Claire,” he said all of a sudden, turning his neck to face her. She was taken aback for a second, not expecting it to go this easily. “This whole thing is my fault. I should never have pushed you to talk about anything you didn’t want to, even about our relationship. I should have just been there for you. I understand why you’re mad at me, I do, but these past few days have been unbearable without you. I just want to be able to talk to you, to be near you again.” Claire sat there in shock, almost tearing up. He said everything she could have hoped for and more, and she didn’t have to pry it out of him at all. She hadn’t expected it, and the fact that it had happened made her so damn happy.  _ He _ made her so damn happy. Everything about him just made her smile and laugh and cry tears of joy. He meant the world to her, so much so that whatever part of her that had been fighting her impulse to be with him finally turned to ashes and was blown away with the wind leaving nothing but the truth of her feelings for him. She laughed and looked at him, his dark brown eyes as gentle and exciting as ever. 

“I’ve been miserable too,” she admitted bashfully. “And thank you for the apology. You were right though, talking to people helped. I’m sorry too.” 

“What for?” He leaned in closer as he asked the question, their shoulder and knees now pressed against each other.

“We both said things we didn’t mean,” she explained. “About a lot of things.”

Neil shook his head. “I was being inconsiderate. You had every right to say those things, you don’t have to be sorry.” He dismissed the thought of her ever apologizing very quickly which made the butterflies that had formed in Claire’s stomach start to flutter around carelessly. 

“I’m serious.” She laughed as she protested but her laughter soon died away and she was serious once again. “I shouldn’t have taken that Uber, I didn’t mean to say that at all. And…” She took a risk and grabbed his hand, gently lacing their fingers together and relieved when he didn’t object. Her hand was so much smaller than his and yet upon holding it, Claire was amazed by how right it felt. It also occurred to her that this was the first time they’d ever held hands, and it was so wonderfully terrifying. “I don’t regret crossing any boundaries. I’m tired of pretending like that night didn’t happen too. Because it did and I… I don’t regret a single moment of it.” 

Melendez stared at her in shock, flashing that goofy smile at her again. “I don’t either.” Claire heard it again, his low and raspy tone that he saved only for the intimate moments between them. He looked down at their hands and smiled as his thumb stroked the back of her hand gently. “I also want to show you something. It’s not here though, we’d have to go visit it. You in?” 

Claire was nervous about what he was going to show her but she was willing to find out. “Sure. What is it, exactly that you’re showing me?” 

“My past,” he said with a smile. “You said you felt like I didn’t open up to you enough, so if we’re going to do this then you should get to know me. All of the parts of me, good and bad.”

“Okay, well I’m definitely looking forward to it,” she giggled. “Just promise I’m not going to get murdered or anything.” 

Neil’s head tilted down slightly as he laughed. Claire hadn’t seen him laugh that hard in a while and it made her so happy to see the little dimples form in his cheeks. “I promise you, it is nothing dangerous,” he said while giving a quick squeeze to her hand, “You’ll love it, I promise. I’ll pick you up at seven tomorrow night?” 

Claire nodded, “Yeah, sure! I’ll text you my address. Now you’ll have no excuses if I fall asleep in your car.” 

He laughed again but looked back up at her, his eyes sparkling with excitement. “Okay then, it’s a date.” 

Claire did a double-take, her mind sticking to the words he had just said.  _ It’s a date _ . Had he just asked her out?  _ Oh my god _ , Claire thought. _ I am actually about to go on a date with Neil Melendez _ . A week ago, the thought of even holding his hand would have sent her into a spiraling confusion on her relationship with him but now she was actually going to go out with him. The confusion was gone and all that was left was them. “It’s a date,” she stammered, smiling like an idiot. They spent what felt like seconds staring at each other, intense and overjoyed, before being interrupted by Claire's phone. She picked it up with her spare hand, whatever message that had been sent now rendered unimportant as she looked at the time. “Oh, it’s really late. I should get going.” She looked down at their intertwined fingers and gave out a small groan, grossly unenthused by the idea of letting go of his hand. 

“It’s okay,” he said, slowly letting his fingers slip through hers. “We’ll just pick up where we left off tomorrow, I guess.” 

Claire chuckled, “I guess so.” Grabbing her purse and coat, pausing to face Neil. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then.” 

“See you tomorrow,” he grinned. 

Claire left the building and headed back home to her apartment, unable to think of anything but what had just happened between them. She felt like she was back in high school again, freaking out over holding hands with a guy. It felt good to feel that idiotic happiness again, though. 

Once nighttime came, her sleep was restless once more and sent her worrying about other things. She woke up from her usual nightmare, panting and in a panic. It was one of her better nights, however, and she wasn’t totally bawling her eyes out. She tried to focus on something to help her calm down. She searched through her brain for something, anything that would help her get her breathing back to normal. As if on cue, the image of her and Melendez holding hands popped into her head. She rocked herself back and forth in her bed, closing her eyes and focusing on the memory of how safe she felt with him, how warm and happy she was as his thumb rubbed against the back of her hand. Soon enough, her breathing slowed down and her panic disappeared into the night. She was surprised to see that she’d managed to calm herself down in record time and yet even after having been calmed down and finally starting to fall asleep again, she couldn’t let go of the image of her hand intertwined with Neil’s. She held onto that thought before falling back to sleep again, the memory of them now being a shield against any panic that might come her way in the night. 

Claire was truly happy for the first time in a while, and that was something the nightmares could never take away from her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As if a little fight could come between Melendaire. Pssht!


	6. Room 29B

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night of Neil and Claire's first date finally comes! The only question is: where oh where is Melendez taking her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you find that the intro's a bit rushed it's because I had to get all my good ideas in there and I tried to keep it under 3000 words lmao. I hope you guys like it!
> 
> BIG SHOUTOUT TO MELODIE! @MD_Morley (I think that's how you spell her ao3 username at least) because she helped me find the right apartment number which is a really small detail that stressed me out a lot for some reason. Thanks Mel, love ya :)

“So is there any way I can get you to tell me where we’re going?” 

The night of their first date had finally arrived after a long twenty-four hours that had driven Claire crazy. It had been hell for her to get through the day but for the first time in a while, it wasn’t because of her nightmares. Neil had come to pick her up, showing up at 7:00 on the dot and opening the car door for her. Through all of this kind chivalry, she couldn’t help but notice that he was dressed more casually than usual, his normal blazer replaced by a short-sleeved dress shirt and jeans.

“Not a chance,” he grinned mischievously as he pulled out onto the road. “You’ll love it, I promise.”

She stared at him for a minute, noticing the glint of excitement in his eyes. “Okay then. I trust you.” She meant it to be a lighthearted comment but it came out very gentle and serious as she realized that she rarely said those three words anymore.  _ I trust you _ . Trusting her own mother had gotten her nowhere, and yet the ease with which she trusted Neil was shocking. It came so effortlessly to her.

The car drive there wasn’t that long. Claire was so surprised at how quickly they had arrived that she hadn’t even realized they were there as he pulled up to a modest building that looked a little bit like a retirement center. She was about to get out of the car when Neil ran around the car and opened the door for her, holding out a hand to help her get out. 

“A true gentleman,” she chuckled. He seemed very proud of hearing those words and could see his chest puff up a little. She laughed to herself as Neil shut the car door from behind her and began leading her up the pathway towards the main entrance of the building. Neil walked up a set of stairs and down a long, narrow hallway as she followed right next to him. All along the hallway there were numbered dark oak doors and Claire saw nurses and other staff walking around. Melendez stopped when he reached room 29B.

Claire hadn’t been sure what to expect when she walked in. As he pushed open the door, she had been surprised that it felt quaint and secluded, the walls painted a golden brown. There was a dark oak table in the center of the room with puzzle pieces spread out on it. Sitting at the table with another woman with a volunteer name tag, there was a girl. She was wearing a pink sweater with jeans and children’s Skechers that sparkled. She wasn’t a girl though, she was a woman. Without having to say anything, Claire looked from the woman in the children’s shoes and the building in general and understood exactly where she was. 

“Neil! You came!” The woman smiled and stood up, prancing across the room and hugging Melendez. 

She let go of him and he looked down to smile at her. “Gabby! How are you?” 

“She’s good, she just ate dinner,” the volunteer replied, standing up and getting her things. “I’ll give you three some family time. You can notify nurse Sheila when you’re done and I’ll come back and get her ready for bed.” 

“Thanks, Nora.” Neil nodded to her as she waved and walked out the door.

“Family?” Claire raised an eyebrow, wanting Melendez to elaborate.

“This is my past. My life story. Claire,” he started, “meet Gabrielle Melendez, my sister.” Sister? Since when did Neil Melendez have a sister? She smiled, still in shock of how full of surprises he was. “Gabby, meet Claire. My girlfriend.” Claire smiled at Neil and blushed profusely.  _ Girlfriend _ . The way it rolled off of his tongue made Claire go crazy. She loved being called his girlfriend and never wanted it to stop. 

“Hi! It’s nice to meet you, Gabrielle.” 

Gabby gasped and clapped her hands together. “Girlfriend! Oh wow, Neil has a girlfriend. Hi, Claire!” She giggled and gave Claire a welcoming hug. She was so sweet, Claire couldn’t help but smile. 

“My brother never brings his girlfriends here,” Gabby laughed again. “Come, come! I’ll show you the family.” Gabby led Claire to the living area and pulled out a small pile of photo albums. 

“Oh, we don’t need to show you those,” Neil laughed nervously, something which Claire found extremely amusing. 

  
“I think the fact that you don’t want me to see these pictures makes me want to look at them even more,” she teased, turning her attention back to Gabby. Opening the first one, Gabby pointed at each family member in the first image that had popped up. “That’s me, and Neil, and mom and dad…” Gabby paused, letting Claire soak in the image. Neil was a spitting image of his father but he had his mother’s eyes. He was a cute kid, Claire noticed, and there was a certain intimacy to this moment that made Claire’s heart race and her mind go numb and buzzy. Gabby then turned the pages and revealed a whole set of pictures of Neil as a toddler. Page after page, Claire saw baby Neil doing mundane things like stuff popsicles in his mouth, get covered in mud while splashing in puddles, and play with his first set of plastic children’s doctor toys. He was so hilariously adorable. 

  
“Okay! That’s enough of that,” Melendez laughed and scratched the back of his neck, his cheeks now rosy pink with embarrassment. 

Claire laughed, not willing to let him off the hook so easily. “Hang on Gabby, do you mind if I take pictures of those?”

Gabby leaned back allowing Claire to reach over and snap a few pictures of the photo album pages. The pink in Neil’s cheeks now became a bright shade of red that trickled down to his neck. Slightly triumphant, Claire sat back looking over her photos. “You were an adorable baby. I mean, you’re still cute now but your cuteness as a baby is unmatched,” she giggled. 

“Oh yeah? You think I’m cute?” He raised an eyebrow and looked at Claire, knowing full well it would cause the same level of blushing and smiling.

“I, I mean-” Claire looked down at her shoes and grinned. She hadn’t been so triumphant after all as she felt the heat form on her neck and cheeks. It seemed no matter what happened, they both had that effect on each other. 

Gabby looked up from the photo album all of a sudden. “When are mom and dad coming, Neil?” 

Claire watched Neil’s face change from high-spirited to serious and sorrowful. He looked down at his feet, unable to respond to Gabby while looking her in the eye. “They aren’t coming, Mija. They’re busy right now.” Gabby seemed unphased as she shrugged her shoulders but Neil was clearly more hurt as he tucked a piece of Gabby’s hair behind her ear. Claire shifted closer to him and put a hand on his shoulder, not sure what had caused him pain and emotional turmoil yet comforting him nonetheless. He sighed and the shoulder she had her hand on relaxed slightly. 

At first, his smile was sad and Claire smiled back and whispered in his ear, “Thank you for bringing me here.” His smile returned to normal, the goofy one that was always reserved just for Claire. 

She knew she was smiling like an idiot right back at him.

*~*~*~*~*

Two hours later, when they had gone through every photo album and were all talked out, Melendez notified the nurse that they were leaving. As they exited the building Claire was about to walk back to his car when she was halted by Neil’s hand gently grabbing her wrist. “I was thinking we could go for a walk, there is a nice track in the open field. On the other side of the building.”

“That sounds nice,” she nodded. His hand slid down from her wrist to her hand, their fingers once again intertwining. It was only the second time they’d held hands and yet Claire wondered how it could be so exhilarating and yet also feel like she had been doing it for centuries. They walked towards a long path behind the building that twisted and turned through a field of grass. It was a massive communal garden, the grass brimmed with flowers, benches, and garden archways. Every now and then Claire could spot a handful of fireflies popping up from between the bushes. They walked slowly on the path hand in hand for what felt like forever, soaking in how enchanting the building’s grounds were. “This place is beautiful.” She looked around at every turn, still in awe. 

“Yeah, beautiful,” Melendez replied in a low hum. Claire tilted her head back down from looking at the sky only to find Melendez, paying no attention whatsoever to the garden and focusing his eyes solely on her. She couldn’t tell if he meant that the garden was beautiful or that she was, although a small part of her hoped he meant her. “So… you probably have some questions after all of that,” he continued, snapping out of whatever enticing trance he had been sent into by looking at Claire. 

“A few, yeah.”

“Yeah, I figured. That’s good though. I mean, you said you felt that I didn’t open up to you enough, and now I get the chance to.”

Claire stopped in her tracks momentarily. “Is that why you brought me here?”

“Of course it is,” Neil smiled and started rubbing his thumb against the back of her hand again, another habit that Claire seemed to love. “I want you to know every part of me, Claire. The good, the bad, all of it. So ask away, I’m an open book.” 

Claire smiled and they kept walking as she thought of her first question. “How long has Gabby been here?” 

“Just over fifteen years, give or take. She always talks a big talk about wanting to go home but she secretly loves it here.”

“Do your parents visit her often?” She knew that question might hit a nerve but she was willing to risk it. 

Neil hesitated before speaking. “My parents knew Gabby would have Down’s Syndrome before she was even born. They thought they could handle it, and they did for a good few years. We had a good life, the four of us. I worshipped Gabby as a kid, long before I even understood what Down’s Syndrome really was. Then my parents… they got into a lot of financial troubles. I was going to take her in and let her live with me but I was in med school by then and was hardly in my apartment often enough to be able to look after her. Eventually, my parents found this place and put her here. They claimed it was for the best, that they were protecting her. They even said they’d come back to get her as soon as the debt cleared up but… well, they haven’t been around to visit her in ten years.”

“Is that why she thought they were coming?” 

“Yeah. I haven’t had the heart to tell her that they gave up on her,” he scoffed. “It’s probably for the best though. I do the best I can, visiting her most weekends and holidays and making sure everything she needs is paid for. She seems to like it here now which is good. She hated it at first.” His mind went somewhere else and he let out a soft chuckle. 

Claire looked around at the garden around her. “How could you hate a place like this?”

“Believe me, she has her ways,” he laughed. “She’s more stubborn than I am. She resisted coming here so much at first that she even accidentally broke my nose once. She felt so bad that she cried for hours. All it took was some pain killers and tissues to heal and she still felt so bad, even after I told her I was fine. The next day the center opened up a sundae bar and then she forgot all about it,” he laughed. 

Claire laughed too, admiring his story and all of its sad beauty as they made their way back to the parking lot. “You’re amazing, you know.” 

Neil looked down at his feet humbly, now finding nothing but pavement between them. “I mean, it was just the right thing to do. Families always look after each other, right?”

She looked at him with unadulterated fondness and affection even as the memory of her nightmares crept up on her for the first time that night. “Not all families are so lucky as to have a brother like you, you know that right? Gabby’s lucky to have you.  _ I’m _ lucky to have you.” 

Neil smiled and gave her hand a small squeeze. “I’m the lucky one. I get to have you as my girlfriend.” The butterflies in Claire's stomach flew around her stomach wildly like a storm of locusts as she got into his car. 

Slowly and begrudgingly, Neil drove her home. Claire had to remind him several times to keep his eyes on the road and not to keep looking over at her. Eventually, they got back to the sidewalk out of her apartment, Neil coming around once again to open the car door for her. She held onto his hand as she stepped out, jumping over the curb and onto the sidewalk. 

“I had an amazing time tonight. I mean, it was almost perfect.” 

“Almost?” He looked at her expecting a witty response but got none. Claire had laughed a little but stopped as her face got serious. She wanted something else. Something a little… more. So, deciding to take a risk, she thought for a second before moving in closer to his face, their foreheads touching. Neil reacted by putting his hands on her waist and pulled her body closer to his, turning his head slightly to one side. Her heart felt like it was on fire as all of a sudden she felt the warmth of his lips against hers and realized she had gotten what she had been looking for. She was kissing Neil Melendez, and it felt damn good. The rush of adrenaline hit her hard as their kissing went from slow and shallow to fast and deep. Kissing him was so hot and heavy that she inhaled sharply through her nose every time their lips pushed harder against each other. After a while she finally pulled away and looked up at Neil, his lips wet and flushed, his breathing heavy. 

“Now it’s perfect,” she smiled. He wasted no time and pulled her back in, one of his hands moving up into her hair.

She bit her lip, leaning back in to kiss him again knowing that never in her life again could she feel more alive.


	7. Late Night Habits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire's nightmares come back and to avoid it ruining her sleep, she impulsively calls the first person she thinks of. He also happens to be the person she just got back from a date with...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one feels kind of short but the last one was a long one so here's just a teeny bit of hurt/comfort for you :)

Much to her dismay, Claire woke up screaming once again. 

Every time this happened she felt the need to beat herself up about it. This time that urge overtook her, frustrated that her mind refused to let her have her perfect night. Her date with Neil was perfect. Their kiss was perfect. Her life was perfect. She had felt so perfect for one night that she had completely forgotten about the horrors hidden in her sleep. So, in life’s usual cruel urge to balance things, her nightmares crept back into her head more viciously and relentlessly than before. It was the same dream as always… except something was different this time. Everything in her dream felt a little colder, a little darker. She started screaming in her dreams but this time they weren’t enough to drown out the voice of her mother, even if just for a second. 

Claire’s own screams had woken herself up. She scrambled around in her sheets trying to sit up properly. Curling her legs up to her chest, her panting heavy and sporadic, she rocked back and forth. As usual, she repeatedly tried telling herself she wasn’t like her mother and that she wasn’t the monster but it was too hard to stop the hyperventilating. She tried but her mind felt so numb and her heart was beating too fast. Last time she’d thought of Neil to help her relax and go to sleep so she gave it a shot. She tried reining in on the thought of them kissing, the tenderness of his lips on hers and their bodies pressed together. It wasn’t working. Her panic was too heightened and ruthless and no happy thoughts in her head could seem to replace the terrifying ones that were already there. She thought of one thing that might help, an impulsive decision that she would regret the next day. Out of options, she decided to go with it. She faced the truth: she had nowhere else to go, no one else she felt like she could turn to. Body trembling, she grabbed her phone from her nightstand and called Neil. 

It was stupid, really. She shouldn’t have been calling him in the middle of the night. Nonetheless, she felt backed into a corner and didn’t know what else to do. The line buzzed for a while. For a second Claire thought that he wouldn’t pick up but was happily mistaken as she heard him on the other end of the line coughing. Then, during the beat of dead silence, before he could even say hello, she started sobbing into the phone. He had picked up. He had really picked up the phone in the middle of the night… and it was all for her. 

“Claire? Are you okay? Are you hurt, do you need help?” The sense of urgency in his voice was endearing and surprisingly relaxing to Claire. She let her shoulders relax and her legs move down from her chest back under the blankets.

“No I’m- I’m okay, I just—” She sniffled, trying to find the words to explain why she had called him.

“You had a nightmare again,” Neil finished her sentence for her. “I’m so sorry, baby.”  _ Bingo _ . Without even having to look or ask for one, Claire had found a temporary one-word distraction.  _ Baby _ . The low raspy tone he used when saying it, the fact that he said it at all. It was a combination of so many things that made Claire smile. In a less distressing time, she would reflect back on it and come to the conclusion that it was the hottest thing he could ever say to her. For now, she gave a weak little chuckle. “Do you want me to come over? Just say the word and I’ll be there, whatever you need,” he continued. That sentence alone made Claire tear up a bit again. This time her tears were happy ones. 

“No no, it’s okay. I shouldn’t have even called I just— I didn’t want to feel like my mother and—”

“Hey hey, you are not your mother. You're kind and brilliant, and the most incredible woman I have ever met. And don’t ever hesitate to call me,” he interrupted. “I don’t care what time it is or where you are, you can always call me, okay? You never have to go through this alone.” Claire’s smile now reached her ears. He was so unbelievably, unequivocally…  _ good _ . Even picking up the phone in the middle of the night was more than enough, and now he wanted to come over and was reassuring her everything would be okay? Claire’s heart swelled with the unfamiliar joy of feeling so loved. 

“Okay,” she whispered into the phone, her voice still shaky but softer and gentler now. Her hyperventilating had stopped but her tears were still stuck to her face.

“I wish I could be there with you right now, to hold you again and make sure you’re alright.” 

“It’s okay, you can always come over next time,” she laughed at her own dark sense of humour. “I’m sorry I woke you up, by the way. I just needed to take my mind off of…” her voice trailed off, knowing Neil would know what she was talking about.

“Meh, I was already awake anyway.” 

“What were you doing being awake in the middle of the night?” 

“I- uh, well… I was thinking about a certain kiss, that’s all,” he responded. Claire could see right through his lie but she laughed nonetheless and decided to entertain it. 

“Oh okay sure,” she teased. “It was some kiss, wasn’t it?” 

“Yeah, it really was. I don’t know how much longer I can wait before kissing you again, it’s driving me crazy.” The teasing in his tone had completely disappeared which sent a shiver down the back of Claire’s neck. 

“But seriously, why couldn’t  _ you _ sleep?” Claire looked for more distractions to avoid having to think about her awful night terrors again.

Neil paused for a second. “I… I was worried that you wouldn’t be able to sleep either.” 

The sensation of feeling loved was throbbing in Claire’s heart now. It wasn’t even that Claire felt loved anymore. Every time she was around him she felt safe and loved. It was more than that, something that she'd known was always there. She loved him. “Neil…” 

“I know, I know, you said you could handle it on your own but I just- I can’t help but worry about you. I can’t seem to stop thinking about you.” 

The tears had stopped streaming down her face and the ones that were already glued to her cheeks were wiped off with the swipe of her hand. “I think about you too. All the time. That’s why I called you,” she admitted, “because you make me forget about all the awful things running through my head at night. I just forget about all the shitty things in life when I’m with you.”

“Well I’m glad I was more useful than last time,” he laughed. Claire remembered their fight as if it were centuries ago, “even if it is just by distracting you.” 

“Well I’m not fully distracted yet, tell me something. Anything.”

“Anything?”

“Yes, anything.” 

“I’m still thinking about that kiss.” 

Claire pulled the blankets back over her legs and bunched them over her mouth in an attempt to cover her smile. “That’s a distraction I can definitely work with. Where were we again?”

“I believe we were trying to figure out when we could do it again,” Neil played along.

“Ah, yes. Now let’s see…” 

They talked for what felt like hours, moving on from the kiss to the stories behind each embarrassing baby photo of Neil that she had taken pictures of. Claire laughed harder than she had in a while, never mentioning the three-word realization she had come to earlier. The longer they talked, the more Claire’s fears and nightmares slipped away and were replaced with late-night laughter and muffled flirting through the phone. After a while, they both grew tired and crawled back into their beds the way they normally slept, squeezing their phones between their pillow and their ear. Eventually, their fatigue took over and they were barely able to speak in audible sentences though both refused to hang up. 

They both fell asleep while still on the line, Claire’s sleep finally peaceful. 


	8. The Bet: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire and Neil make a bet during movie night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, 
> 
> It’s been nearly two months since I last updated this. I know, I’m awful! But I’ll be real here, that dreadful season finale along with the quarantine had me in quite a writing slump. However, I’ve made my comeback. Hopefully I’ll be updating this more frequently now. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy the chapter. Part 2 will be coming soon, and there are many more chapters to come!

“Isn’t it my turn to pick?”

Claire sat down on her couch and curled up next to Neil. It had been a little over a week since their first date and it had been going very well. Like, astronomically well. Knock your socks off well. Romantic-gestures-that-are-so-sweet-they-make-you-want-to-barf well. All of it felt like what they were doing before, except this time she didn’t have to fight the urge to kiss him or hold his hand. Claire loved every minute of it and her heart still skipped a beat just by being near him. Granted, they hadn’t told everyone at work yet but they had agreed to keep it secret for the first two weeks. In the meantime, there were always an abundance of dates. Claire’s favourites were still the ones where they ran together or went bowling just like they always had. Even the late night phone calls until she’d wake up the next morning with the phone pressed to her face were her favourites, even if they were just to make sure she wasn’t having nightmares. On nights like this, however, when they could hear the cold unforgiving rain pouring outside, their date consisted of staying inside and watching a movie. 

“Nuh-uh, no way,” Claire chuckled. “Last time, you picked that documentary series on Netflix about those poor tigers in captivity. I can’t unwatch that. Those people were nuts!” Neil laughed which made her giggle a little bit too, despite her horrific memory of seeing that show.

“In my defense, I didn’t realize how weird and gory it would be.” He leaned back and jokingly raised his hands in defense. “But alright, you can pick this time.” 

She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, smiling at how warm and pink his cheek became when she did so. “Thank you,” she hummed into his ear. She scrolled through the options on her TV before deciding on an old DVD of Pride and Prejudice. 

She sat there curled up against Neil’s side, his arm slung over hers, and got bored pretty quickly. No matter how timeless the movie was, she had already seen it had really just used the movie as an excuse to be with him. Besides, she couldn’t concentrate on anything with his arm around her waist. He rubbed her side gently and every now and then she’d shift in her seat and could feel him pull her in closer. Admittedly, she found it  _ very _ distracting and was extremely thankful when the end of the movie came. 

“Ooh, this is the best part!” She tapped his shoulder excitedly and nuzzled her face into the scoop of Neil’s shoulder. 

“Oh, come on,” he chuckled, “you could tell they were going to get together, it was totally obvious!” 

“Yeah but that’s the whole point! They’re meant for each other, but they keep you waiting until the very last minute. It’s cruel but brilliant.” 

“I still think it’s totally predictable,” he laughed again. 

Claire scoffed and gave him a gentle play shove. “Pshht! It is not! They built the tension up slowly but surely. It was… passionate, and- and…” Claire’s voice changed from dreamy and excited to serious very fast. “and intense.” 

She had been so caught up in making her argument that she hadn’t noticed Neil staring at her dreamily with a hint of something else. If Claire didn’t know any better, she’d say he looked turned on. 

“It was pretty romantic.” There it was again, that low raspy tone that drove Claire wild. Neil used the hand that was around Claire’s waist and pulled her closer to him. Taking his free hand, he gently cupped her cheek and his lips pushed against hers as his tongue teased at her mouth. It was tender and heavy, and Claire soon found herself sinking into it as if it were quicksand that she was dying to drown in. Before Claire could think she found her tongue aggressively crashing with his and her breathing dangerously close to being panting. Neil’s hands moved all up and down her body, from her waist to her thighs to all up in her hair. She tore off her zip-up sweater and tossed it aside leaving nothing but her tiny camisole and more exposed skin. Neil wasted no time planting wet kisses all over her neck and shoulders. It was hot and heavy, and Claire closed her eyes as she sunk into it, letting her mind go numb. His lips returned to hers and took deep strides into her mouth as she cupped his face to pull him in even closer. Starting at her lips, he started moving to her cheek and her jaw, over to nibbling her ear, moving down her neck. The kisses were heavy and sloppy but still felt like they had been perfectly polished and placed in the perfect spot. In other words, he was a  _ damn _ good kisser. Claire’s breathing became soft moans, empty soundwaves to her ears but music to Neil’s. Each moans became more encouragement to him and he held her neck with one hand while moving down her neck and kissing closer and closer to her chest. Her brain felt empty and fuzzy so she let his lips move further down and moved her hands through his hair and up and down his thigh. Just as he was about to pull her straps off, her brain that was once so mushy and numb snapped back to reality and she pulled away. 

“I’m so sorry.” 

_ What was she doing? _

They hadn’t had sex yet, this was the farthest they gad gotten, but they had both agreed to take it slow. So, as much as Claire was dying to get back to where they were, as much as she loved it, as much as she wanted to rip his shirt off and finish the job, she couldn’t spend the night with him. She trusted him, but she just didn’t trust herself not to have a nightmare. 

They had been fairly dormant lately, only lasting a few minutes and never quite horrid enough to send her into a panic attack. They were still very much there, however, and Claire thought about them constantly. Even during the day they were never  _ not _ in her mind. Her therapist had suggested she take Ambien for a while to help with the sleeping, but her meds wouldn’t arrive until the end of the week. She couldn’t stand the thought of her nightmares ruining their first time. Even though Neil had already seen her in the middle of a panic attack, walking up at 3:00 am hyperventilating and sweating is  _ not _ a sexy look. 

Neil stopped right away without needing any explanation. “It’s alright, you don’t have to be sorry. What’s wrong?” 

“I can’t spend the night with you just yet, I’m just nervous that I’ll… wake up having a panic attack afterwards. The doctor said I could take meds to help but they won’t be here until Friday. Is it okay if we wait until the end of the week? I just want everything to be perfect.” 

He grabbed her hands in his and kissed them gently, washing all of Claire’s nerves away. “Of course.” 

Claire could barely kiss him on the cheek. She was smiling so much that her teeth were showing. “You really are the most amazing boyfriend, you know that right?” 

He shrugged. “It’s easy when you’re dating an incredible woman.” Once again, Claire’s heart skipped a beat. “Plus, it’ll only be a few days right? I’ve tougher it out before for much longer than that. It’ll be easy, no worries.”

“ _ Really _ ?” Claire’s voice gave off a sense of disbelief that Melendez seemed to take slight offense to. 

“What? You don’t think I can holster it for a few days?” 

“I just think that, well, we work together, and you’re a guy and it’ll feel really long and—”

Neil chuckled. “You don’t think I can wait, do you? You know what I think? I think  _ you’re _ the one who won’t be able to wait five days.” 

Claire was reluctant but her stubbornness rarely allowed her to back away from a competition, especially not one as intense as this. “Ok, challenge accepted, Dr. Melendez,” she teased. “So, what, we just wait until the end of the week?” 

“And the first one to cave loses the bet,” he replied with a shrug of the shoulders. He got that look in his eyes that he always had when they ran together. They were officially in a race, and Claire would be damned if she didn’t come in first place.

“So what happens to the loser?” 

After pausing to think, he replied, “The loser has to tell people at work about us.” 

Claire felt the energy rush through her veins. The high stakes, the sexual tension. She was going to have so much fun crushing him. 

“Deal.” They jokingly shook hands and Claire gave Neil a quick peck before he headed home. 

The bet was in place. 


	9. The Bet: Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They finally get through the five days and meet for dinner to see who will win their little wager.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This literally sat in my drafts for days and forgot about it, so sorry guys! Anyway here's the chapter.
> 
> ALSO: I personally am more comfortable reading smut than writing it, so it's pretty light on the smut because of that. For those of you who don't like it don't have to suffer through it for too long and for those of you who do, well... I hope you enjoy it!

Day 1 

Claire wore a tight low-cut shirt and Melendez could not stop thinking about it. She caught him staring and for a split second, he could see the pride in her eyes. Claire didn’t waste a second before winking at him. 

She’d never winked at him before, least of all in the slick seductive way she just had. 

It turned Neil on to an alarming degree. 

Day 2 

Melendez would put his hand on the small of her back or over her shoulder whenever they walked into a patient’s room and the room would suddenly feel very hot. She didn’t have any definitive proof but she was almost certain Melendez knew what he was doing, trying to distract her at work and get her to cave. Much to Claire’s dismay, it was working  _ damn _ well. 

Day 3 

Claire pushed her hair to one side of her neck and found a variety of things to reach for that coincidentally required her to reach across Melendez, leaving her exposed neck dangerously close to his face. She would always smile to herself watching him try and stutter his way through finishing the sentence he was in the middle of. It was adorable. 

Day 4 

Melendez left more buttons on his shirt undone than usual and it made him even sexier. It was a look that made it very hard for Claire to do things like swallowing or forming coherent sentences. This game they had started was fun at first, but now it was just pure torture.

Work was worse of a nightmare than her actual nightmares. 

Day 5 

“Dr. Browne.” 

Of course, with Claire’s track record of having the worst luck in the world, she had to get stuck alone with Melendez in the elevator today of all days. The day their bet was coming to an end, where he would be at the top of his game, she just had to get stuck on an infamously slow elevator with him. She walked into the elevator and stood noticeably close to him, refusing to give up. “Dr. Melendez,” she replied, making sure her tone was flat and unsuspecting. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Neil looking around the elevator hesitantly for a second before leaning in. Claire stayed strong and refused to turn her head to face him, her breathing becoming shorter and heavier.

“I have a reservation for tonight at that new fancy Italian restaurant by my place. Meet me there at 8.” 

Claire took the risk and turned her head. Big mistake. Their foreheads were inches away from touching and Claire and gulped as she took a step forward. She could feel his breath on her cheek, and little by little she started to give in. In perfect timing, the elevator chimed just as Claire began to lean in, causing Neil to smile at his small triumph and pull away. “See you tonight, Claire.” Melendez walked out of the elevator without looking back. Claire couldn’t believe she had gotten that close to caving. Tonight she was going to have to step up her game, not to mention get through today as well. 

When Claire got home from work, her meds were in the pile of mail on the floor. She smiled to herself as she unboxed them and began to rifle through her closet for something to wear. Her nice purse was in the hospital locker room so she had to settle for the nicest dress she owned that also had pockets. The dress was weirdly perfect for the occasion, not too fancy but definitely sexy enough. It was dark green with a very tight, low cut (which would work to her advantage) with pockets that were barely visible. It also looked best with her hair down so she didn’t have to waste time trying to battle with her hair that was less than cooperative. Claire shoved the meds in her pockets along with her phone before running out the door to catch a cab, suppressing the part of her that was aroused by the thought of even seeing him. 

* * *

Melendez adjusted his tie impatiently as he sat at the table waiting for Claire. He knew he had the upper hand for the moment but at the same time she had finally gotten her meds today and he was getting really tired of pretending to not be extremely turned on by all of her flirty little tricks. He wanted to win, sure, but it didn’t even compare to how badly he just  _ wanted _ her. He checked his watch to see if he should call her to ask where she was but when he stood up, she was at the other end of the restaurant walking towards the table. 

Neil’s jaw dropped to the ground. His brain turned to mush and his cock turned to cold hard stone. 

Claire Browne, the most gorgeous woman on the planet, was standing ten feet away from him in a dark green low-cut dress that almost made Neil drool. Right then and there, he knew he was screwed and simply didn’t care. He was tired of waiting. He had already pretended not to be head over heels for her for so long, he didn’t want to waste any more time. Besides, winning was meaningless when losing would be so much more rewarding. 

“Hey, sorry I’m la—” Before she could finish Neil walked towards her and swiftly grabbed her by the waist, kissing her hard and briskly. She was so taken aback by the sudden gesture that she stumbled in her heels for a second before sinking into it. 

“What was that for?” She meant to be teasing him but it came out as breathy and awestruck. His hand stayed on her hips and hers were on his shoulders as she looked around the room at the few people who were staring. 

“You win.” His voice was raspy again and it made Claire shiver a little. 

“Just like that? I don’t understand, what changed?”

“I’m tired of waiting. This week’s been torture for me and I don’t want a waste another minute pretending not to want you.” 

Claire swallowed hard. “But the reservation—“

“I’m not hungry, not for food anyway,” he replied. Claire noticed Neil’s eyes subtly looking her up and down. “Are you?” 

Claire shook her head. “I already ate anyway and I have my meds.” 

“Then let’s get out of here.” A devilish grin spread across his face as he put out his arm. “Dr. Browne.” 

Claire laughed a little too loud for the atmosphere of the restaurant but shrugged off the growing number of people watching. “Dr. Melendez.” She winked at him again and watched him melt as she grabbed his arm. They walked from the restaurant hand in hand to his place two blocks away.

They wasted no time as they came crashing through Neil’s front door in a frenzy of kisses and tripping. He tore off his blazer and tie and then pulled Claire in so close that she was pressed up against him. His mouth found hers and his tongue went in and out in deep stretches. She kicked the door shut from behind her with her barefoot and they stumbled toward the bedroom. Her hands ripped open his shirt and moved from his chest to his abs, all the way down to his belt as she watched it along with his pants go flying into the trail of clothing left behind them. 

“You’re killing me with that dress,” Neil huffed as he lowered his lips. The kisses he placed on her neck were tender and hungry while he pulled the zipper down and watched her dress slide off of her shoulders. Claire stepped out of her dress, ready this time for what was to come. Neil’s mouth moved back up to hers and pulled at her lips. They were both starving for each other, grasping at any bare lips and skin they could and the soft moans Claire let out were sweet melodies to his ears encouraging him to keep going. Neil pulled back for a moment to give Claire a cute smirk before picking her up by the highest part of her thighs and lowering her onto the bed, his body in between her legs now. He unhooked her bra and felt her fingers push against his neck urging towards her breasts while playing with his hair. He kissed and sucked and kneaded until Claire was letting out those sweet sweet moans again, a smooth melody to complement the bass line of his grunts. 

His thumb tapped at her love handles and knowing what he wanted, she peeled off her underwear slowly while observing his electric gaze. He stared down at her spread legs but looked back up to meet her gaze again. “Are you sure about this?” 

The hunger momentarily left Claire’s eyes and was replaced with a soft tenderness as butterflies went off in her chest. If she wasn’t sure before, she definitely was now. “Yes. I want this,” she paused for a moment, “I want you.” The green light had been given. Claire’s nails dug into his skin and she felt the soft grinding motions that sent her sweet moans spiraling into borderline screams. 

Claire took her meds afterward knowing she wouldn’t need them. After multiple rounds, she had become exhausted and slept like a damn baby until morning. 

Much to Claire’s surprise, she woke up before he did. Waking up in his arms was the best feeling she could ever imagine as the sun glistened down on them. They’d still slept in too late though, and Claire swore under her breath as she checked the alarm clock and realized she was going to be late to work. His arm was sprawled across her waist, their legs were tangled together, and her face was buried into his shoulder. It was the most peaceful sleep she’d had in months and everything leading up to it was just as perfect. It made her smile uncontrollably. Making sure not to wake him (and making a mental note of how adorably handsome he looked when he was asleep), she got out of bed and walked over to the trail of clothes they had left. After getting dressed, she grabbed her things and walked two blocks where she had parked her car, driving home to get a change of clothes before work. Before leaving, however, she found a scrap piece of paper and scribbled a message onto it for Melendez to read when he woke up. 

_ Last night was amazing, can’t wait to do it again. How about after dinner tomorrow night? My treat. Call me when you read this.  _

_ Miss you already,  _

_ Claire _

_ P.S: A bet’s a bet. Have fun telling HR about us today ;) _


	10. Halloween

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One, this chapter is much longer than my other chapters.   
> Two, I’m sorry in advance.

The following six weeks went by quickly. Per their agreement, Neil disclosed their relationship to HR but they agreed to put off telling anyone else. They hadn’t reacted well to the idea of them being friends, so they figured discovering that they were dating would be far worse. It wasn’t ideal, but Claire chose to focus on their time together. It was a blissful few weeks filled with tender kisses, weekends staying in bed all day with coffee and pancakes, and the occasional day spent playing hookie. Sometimes Melendez would even watch in awe when Claire would pull out her guitar and sing for him. Melendez understood the significance of her playing for him as she explained that it brings up some tough memories for her, just how she understood how he never plays scrabble without Gabby because it’s their tradition and he already feels guilty for sending her to that centre. Still, she was tired of avoiding things that were tethered to such awful feelings. She brought newer, happier memories to things in her life that used to make her sad.

Her nightmares became more dormant and much less frequent. On the rare night where they would creep into her head, Claire would wake up and if Neil wasn’t already next to her in bed ready to soothe her, he would pick up the phone and mindlessly talk to her until she fell asleep. Eventually, she was eased off of her meds and was able to sleep well most of the time. Despite all she’d been through, she was happy. It was a gentle kind of happiness that Claire felt would shatter into a million pieces if she squeezed it too hard. That small worry of it being taken away from her hummed in the very back of her head but she knew better than to listen to it, so the hum became nothing but white noise to her that the whistling winds blew away. Time went on and soon Halloween rolled around the corner. 

“Neil? Are you ready yet?”

When they were first notified of the hospital’s annual costume party, Claire figured it would be a perfect way to finally announce their relationship. So, taking inspiration from one of their weekly movie nights, they decided to do a couples costume: Bonnie and Clyde. It involved minimal embarrassment, a kickass fedora for Neil, and only an hour of shopping. Now, on the night of the party Claire waited impatiently. Neil was taking so long that Claire swore she could watch the Bonnie and Clyde movie all over again before he would be ready. 

“Coming!” He sped out of Claire’s bedroom in his three-piece suit and slid his fedora on with one hand. Claire pulled him close to tighten his tie and the tiny kiss he placed on her forehead wasn’t lost on her. “I got you something.” The hand he’d been holding behind his back shot out and revealed a rectangular jewellery box.

Claire’s eyes widened. “You didn’t have to get me anything!” Once she opened the box, her smile faded and her jaw shot down in shock. It was a silver necklace with a single pearl. “Oh my god… it’s beautiful. This must have cost you a fortune.” 

Neil shrugged. “It was worth it. How else was my partner in crime going to know how crazy I am about her?” he teased. 

“Well thank you, I love it,” Claire managed to say in between laughs before kissing him again, hard and slow. Claire put the necklace on and started spinning the pearl between her fingers, finding the motion easy and soothing. “But we have to get going or else we’re going to be late.” They grabbed their things in a rush and headed out to Claire’s car. As always, Melendez held the car door open for her before they drove away. 

* * *

“Wow, they really went all out this year.” 

Claire felt like she was in a completely different building when they first walked into the hospital arm in arm. There were orange and black streamers everywhere and tiny fairy lights. Nurses were dressed up as zombies, vampires, witches, goblins, all dancing around to the music. It was a hospital tradition that Claire was surprisingly not tired of. She loved how much effort the hospital put into these kinds of celebrations even if it was a bit tacky. She loved the fact that she was here with Melendez even more. 

As they walked arm in arm further into the party, they stopped to say hi to people. Their costumes were a big hit with everyone. Claire could tell Neil enjoyed being dressed up in the three-piece suit, getting that cocky look in his eyes while adjusting his tie. Claire certainly had no objections to the outfit either. The conversations normally lasted ten seconds before whoever they were talking to would look down at Neil and Claire’s intertwined hands and put the pieces together. They were slightly surprised that no one had caught onto their relationship before. They had become considerably less discreet in the weeks since they had first disclosed their relationship to HR. Hickeys stopped being covered up, excuses to sneak off were sloppier, their occasional professional disagreements were resolved more quickly, and one time Claire even wore Melendez’s shirt to work (which Neil loved). Half an hour into the party, Claire could already tell which people were genuinely happy for them and which ones weren’t, but still gave all of them a kind— if not a little forced— smile before moving on. There was no sign of any of their friends yet except for Morgan who had stared at her like a deer in headlights before vanishing. Eventually, the small talk made them thirsty so they walked towards the table of food and got some punch (Claire snorted when she found out they were calling it O neg blood). 

“This is going pretty well, right?” 

“Well no one’s fired us yet so I’d say it’s going wonderfully,” she teased. 

“Yeah,” he laughed before getting a little more serious, “but it’s nice to be able to be with you without hiding it. Now everyone can see how important you are to me.” He leaned in and kissed her, quickly so as not to be completely indiscreet but enough to make her blush. After all this time, Claire was still as nuts about him as she had been when they first dated. It was more than just a fluttery feeling. It was deep and consuming, it was like cardiac arrest and her heart had been shocked back to life by this jolt, this feeling she couldn’t quite wrap her tongue around. 

Claire left Melendez by the punch and looked around in an attempt to find Shaun. He took the news surprisingly well, cheerfully congratulating her. “Oh! Your flirting trifecta was successful, Claire! I observed you flirting with Dr. Melendez before on several occasions and now you two are together. You are very smart.” 

Claire knew he really was happy for her, and that was all she needed. Maybe she had nothing to worry about after all if even Shaun was approving of their relationship. “Thank you, Shaun. 

“You’re welcome,” he replied clearly pleased with himself. Before she could reply, he walked away leaving Claire at the table looking for her other colleagues. Andrews was with his wife getting food, Park was at the photo booth with his son, and Lim was dancing with someone Claire assumed was her girlfriend. She had seen her pick Lim up from work on a motorcycle a few times. 

Before she could even think about where Morgan was, someone was dragging her away from the party towards an empty hallway and whacking her on the shoulder. She could recognize them as Morgan’s hands by the scars on the back of them. 

“Ow! Morgan? What are you doing?” 

* * *

Claire had gone to talk to Shaun but when Neil turned around she had vanished. Figuring she had just gone to find Morgan or go to the washroom, he took the opportunity to walk around and socialize with everyone. He remembered when he came to the halloween party during his first year of residency and had decided to spike the punch. If he remembered correctly, the most recent surgical attending who was walking up to him right now was the one who had stood next to him laughing. 

“Neil.” 

“Marcus! How are you?” 

“I’m good. It’s quite the turnout this year,” he observed while looking impressed but a little uncomfortable. 

“Yeah. They’re showing the soccer game in the waiting room, Aaron keeps trying to bet on Liverpool. I swear he’d be broke by now if it weren’t for m—”

“What are you doing, Neil?” Andrews’s question was rhetorical and mildly hostile. Melendez didn’t quite know where this was going. He had his ideas but was praying that his hunch was wrong. Marcus saw the confusion in his eyes and went on. “Sleeping with a resident? Taking Dr. Browne around and acting like you’re not jeopardizing both of your careers over this ridiculous fling?” 

Leave it to a guy like Marcus Andrews to offer his input on other people’s lives. If there was one thing Neil hated, it was people telling him what to do. “Marcus I really don’t see how this is any of your business,” he quipped back, the agitation seething under his skin. 

“I’m only saying all of this because I know it will help you in the long run. Neil, come on. You can fool around all you want but at the end of the day is it really worth the risk of losing your job?” 

“Yes,” he replied without missing a beat, looking at Andrews up and down, horrified. 

“I don’t get it! Why?” Marcus shook his head seemingly disappointed which  _ really _ made Neil mad. If anyone was going to be disappointed right now it should be him. 

“Because I’m not just fooling around! I could take this from all these other insufferable people who think it’s their place to say anything, I could take it from the nurses who don’t see me as often, but from you? God,” he scoffed, “did it even come to mind that it’s more than just a fling? Did it not occur to anyone that I  _ love _ her?”

It dawned on Neil that it was the first time he’d said he loved Claire, which felt weird. It should have been some gigantic realization but to him it felt more like waking up. You don’t forget the things you already know when you fall asleep, you just don’t actively think about them until you’re awake. Now he was as awake as ever and it felt like it had just been there the whole time. Claire was kind and smart, and she just understood him. He felt healed around her. He just… loved her, and now that he knew he wanted to say it to her over and over. “I have to go,” was the last thing he said before leaving Andrews stunned and wide-eyed, going to find Claire and to say the words that had woken him up. 

_ I love you. _

* * *

“I’ve been trying to talk to you privately all night but you’ve been with Melendez,” Morgan hissed. “Bonnie and Clyde, joint at the hip. How adorable.”

“Well what are you supposed to be?” 

“Marie Curie, but that’s not the point. What the hell are you doing?!” 

“What are you talking about?” Claire didn’t have time for this and although it made her really annoyed, she knew it was unavoidable now and decided to just urge Morgan to spit it out. 

“You and Melendez? Seriously? Are you insane?”

Now it was Claire’s turn to roll her eyes. She became friends with Morgan after realizing she was not as awful as she seemed but sometimes she was a pain in the ass. “I get that you’re trying to look out for me, Morgan, but I can make my own decisions.” 

“Apparently, you can’t! You’ve missed work five times these past few months, you’ve never done that before. And you know thay when this ends, you’ll be the only one getting turned down for promotions.”

“When it ends?”  _ God _ , she thought. People weren’t suppressing their judgement because they were decent people. They were doing it because they were confident it wouldn’t last. Claire felt rattled by so many people with such little faith in a relationship that wasn’t even theirs. 

“Well yeah, everyone’s assuming that this is temporary. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about what happens in the event of a breakup,” Morgan huffed. Claire realized that she hadn’t. In all of her worries of their relationship ending, what would happen afterwards wasn’t quite imaginable. 

“I- I don’t know what would happen.” She hated how naive she sounded. 

“Look, I know in the time that I’ve worked with you we haven’t gotten along well, but I have always respected you as a doctor. So trust me when I say others won’t if this keeps going.”

“You’re unbelievable.” Claire felt stupid and ashamed. She had been so naive for thinking that people would learn to accept it. Devastated, she scoffed and held back the tears as Morgan walked away. It seemed no matter how hard she tried, misery always seemed to find and consume her. It was hopeless to fight it, she didn’t want to anymore. Letting the misery embrace her, she pressed her back against the wall and closed her eyes for what felt like forever, feeling the pain that was already there and the pain that was to come. 

* * *

“There you are! I’ve been looking for you, I want to tell you something.” After a while, that voice called out. She didn’t have to open her eyes to know it was Neil. He walked up to her excitedly before noticing the look of defeat in her eyes. “What happened?” 

“Morgan spoke to me.” She had a feeling she looked as shaken up as she felt because Neil sighed. Even he knew what Morgan was like when she made her mind up about something. 

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that. But hey, I’m here now, okay? Let’s just leave this stupid thing and go home.” He put his forehead on hers and wiped a tear from her cheek. 

“I can’t,” she replied and pulled away from him. “God, we were so stupid to think this could work! They’re waiting for us to break up, did you know that?” 

“They’re idiots, screw what they think,” he protested. 

“It’s not that easy, Neil, and you know it! It doesn’t matter how hard we try, our careers will still take a hit anyway.” She started tearing up again as she realized how her worries were coming true. 

“W-what are you saying then?” She could hear him choking on his words slightly which hurt all the more. She hated seeing him so upset, so hurt. 

“That… that we’re just going to be miserable if we keep going. I wanted to believe that I could have this dream of a life. But life’s not a dream, it’s a _nightmare_. A nightmare that I can’t keep falling into anymore. I’m sorry, I c- I can’t do this anymore.” They were both in tears now and Claire, unable to look Melendez in the eye without sobbing, ran out of the hospital and drove home. 

Reality sunk into Neil’s mind after standing in the same spot for what felt like hours. He then left the party, keeping his face covered by the fedora to avoid anyone seeing his tears. The animosity he felt towards everyone was overtaken by his heartbreak. It was over because of them. He loved her. And yet it wasn’t important. 

It was just… over. 


	11. The Awakenings

The first day of the breakup was the easiest. 

Claire had woken up the next morning expecting to cry again when remembering all that had happened but no tears came, just an emptiness in her heart. In an attempt to regain some sense of normalcy she returned to the hospital, working hard albeit mindlessly. Melendez wasn’t cold but quickly became distant. Even standing right next to him Claire felt miles away. He was never as bright and happy to see her as he was before, and Claire’s heart sank when she remembered why. Being on Andrews’s rotation this week gave her a bit of comfort, but it didn’t take long for everyone to put the pieces together. Surgeons, nurses, even patients knew something was wrong. The people who just one day ago were giving them dirty looks now looked at her with guilt and pity in their eyes. 

Unfortunately, any anger it caused her was blown away that first night. That night was the beginning of it all when Claire had woken up at three in the morning sweating and crying after the dreams of her mother returned. Just as her time with minimal nightmares had been happier than imaginable, her time with constant nightmares had quickly become more terrifying than imaginable. They were relentless, and sometimes when she thought it was over the dream would repeat itself until she woke up. 

“Please, not again,” she’d beg in her sleep, knowing what was going to happen. Waking up and having panic attacks felt even worse knowing Neil wouldn’t be there with her when she woke up. She tucked her knees into her chest and rocked herself back and forth, missing the way he’d stroke her hair and hold her tight. She had called her therapist the morning after the first night but had been sorely disappointed to find out that she was out of town and couldn’t get her back on her meds until next week. 

The fourth night, Claire stopped trying to sleep altogether. She limited herself to a half-hour nap and then would try and preoccupy herself with work or books. Coffee became her best friend. Now, one week in, work was less aggravating but she felt so drained all the time. It wasn’t affecting her work quite yet since it was unusually quiet this week but it was only a matter of time. Still, she’d take the fatigue over having to see Melendez any day. Now, she just had to focus on work, one patient at a time. 

“Dr. Browne, Dr. Murphy, and I will be here if you have any questions,” Andrews explained to their laparoscopic hernia surgery patient before leaving. Claire dragged her feet out of the room but could hear a faint voice call out to her. 

_ Claire _ . 

Her head spun around as she left the room looking for the voice. 

_ Claire _ .

The voice came to Claire again in a cold shrill whisper. It was hauntingly familiar to her in a way she couldn’t understand and it gave her the chills. Her head spun around again but nobody was calling her name. 

_ Claire. _

The cold lifeless figure of her mother was standing right in front of her as she turned around, the quiet whispering of her name coming to a halt. The blood drained from Claire’s face and she felt cold all of a sudden. It felt real. Logically she knew she was hallucinating, that her sleep deprivation had just induced stress and that it was all in her head. But the image of her mother still seemed so damn  _ lifelike _ . She looked just like she did in Claire’s dreams, desperate and unforgiving. It sent shivers up Claire’s spine. She was so paralyzed with fear that she didn’t hear Shaun calling out to her. 

“Claire? Claire? Are you alright?” 

Before Claire could process what Shaun was saying, the panic and exhaustion overwhelmed her and everything went black as she hit the floor. 

* * *

When Claire’s eyes fluttered open, she was lying on a hospital bed. Looking around at her surroundings helped her remember everything that had happened and she buried her head in her hands. She passed out at work. So completely embarrassing. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Morgan pulling open the curtain. “Finally, you’re awake! I was on my break, I heard what happened. Shaun and Andrews had to go tend to another patient but they asked me to check up on you.” 

“Checkup? I just fainted, that’s all. It’s not a big deal I was just tired.” 

“Claire, you fell asleep after you fainted. You’ve been out for three hours.” 

“What?” She had been out for three hours? She felt the embarrassment flood back. God, this day could not get any worse.

Morgan hesitated before continuing. “You told me about your nightmares a while ago. Is that what this is about?” 

“Yeah. My therapist says they’re connected to how much stress there is in my life and this week, well… it hasn’t been the best. But I’m going to start doing more frequent sessions with her to manage my stress. It won’t affect my work again, I promise.” 

“I don’t care about work! Why didn’t you say anything? We’re here to help, Claire.” 

“Yeah like you care,” Claire replied bitterly. Things had been a little tense between them since the party. Claire was fed up with Morgan’s judgemental crap but her fatigue had only given her the energy for an icy glare or two. Or five. 

Morgan sighed. “Look, I’m really sorry for everything I said at the party. Although I  _ was _ just looking out for you, I should have just stayed out of it and I’m sorry.” 

Claire looked at her, not believing a single word of it. “Why the change of heart?” Morgan never was one to apologize out of the blue, at least not if there wasn’t something in it for her. 

Morgan rolled her eyes, taking note of Claire’s skepticism. “You were right, okay? You and Melendez were good for each other and I got in the way when it wasn’t any of my business. I just didn’t think I’d be paying the price for this. But I’m really sorry, Claire.” 

Claire thought about it for a moment. Her breakup with Melendez, regardless of whether it was the right thing to do, was there nonetheless. The only thing she could do now was to find a way to be happy again. She might not have been able to be with Melendez but she figured it couldn’t hurt to fix things with Morgan. Claire knew that Morgan was just trying to look out for her in her own way. Besides, she missed being friends with Morgan. It was a strange thing to admit but it felt right.  _ Friends _ . “Oh, alright, I forgive you,” Claire finally replied. Morgan’s face lit up and pulled her in for a hug. 

“Wait,” Claire pulled away from the hug and shook her head in confusion, “what do you mean paying the price?” 

“I mean that I’m the one who has to deal with the guy whose heart you broke and I  _ hate _ it. Melendez has been bitter all week. That man is miserable and it’s making everyone around him miserable too.” 

“Oh.” Claire felt her body stiffen and she sat up in the bed unsure of what to do with that information. She felt bad that she was the reason why he was so miserable and yet knowing that he was just as miserable as she made her stomach feel knotted and twisty. 

As if on cue, the curtain was torn open to reveal the last person Claire wanted to see. 

“Dr. Reznick, where the  _ hell _ have you—” Melendez stood there looking bitter and furious at Morgan before he noticed Claire behind Morgan. Worry flashed over his eyes but disappeared in an instant. “Dr. Browne.” 

“Dr. Melendez.” Claire felt just as uncomfortable as Melendez looked. The air felt like molasses and she hated how hard it was to breathe. 

“Claire passed out and then fell asleep, I was asked to check up on her and report her condition back to Dr. Andrews,” Morgan explained. She looked tenser around him than usual. 

He cleared his throat. “I’ll take it from here then, Dr. Reznick.” Morgan nodded but Claire could head the quiet “of course you will” that Morgan muttered before leaving the room. Melendez waited until Morgan was out of the room before sitting on the edge of the hospital bed. “Are you alright?” The worry flashed in his eyes again and stayed there this time, heavy and desperate. Claire noticed his voice changed, became more tender and soft.

“I passed out,” Claire buried her face in her hand again, brushing her hair out of the way. “I haven’t been sleeping well lately and I just fainted from… exhaustion, I guess.” 

“Exhaustion?” Claire knew from the tone of Melendez’s voice that he wasn’t buying it. 

“I, uh, I saw my mother. As in, hallucinated her. So yeah, exhaustion, but also that.” 

“I’m so sorry that happened.” He pulled out his clipboard again and didn’t look up from it, doing his best to remain professional. It made Claire’s heart sore. “How many hours of sleep would you say you’re getting?” 

“I don’t know, nine?” 

“Nine hours a night?”

“No, nine hours this week.”

Melendez sat down on the edge of her bed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Jesus, Claire.” 

“I know. It’s just, my nightmares came back after… everything.” Claire’s body stiffened at her own words but she played with a familiar charm that she wore around her neck to soothe her. The single pearl rolled between her fingers lightly and Melendez, noticing the necklace that he’d given her (which she had decided was too gorgeous not to wear; plus it wasn’t like wearing it meant anything, right?) followed the pearl’s movement with his eyes before looking back up. 

For what felt like the first time, Melendez’s eyes finally found Claire’s. There was so much hurt in them and it made Claire’s stomach woozy again. Blaming everyone else for ruining their relationship wasn’t easy anymore. They hadn’t caused Melendez to have that awful pained look in his eye, she had. She pushed him away until she couldn’t pull him back even if she wanted to. And part of her really, really wanted to. They sat there, eyes unwavering and full of unspoken desire until Melendez looked back down at his clipboard and continued with his job. 

“And you considered giving the meds another go, Dr. Browne? There are other ways to help alleviate sleep, but that is one of the more reliable options.” The ‘ _ Dr. Browne’ _ felt like salt in the wound and a silent mutual agreement was made to skip over how Melendez knew about Claire’s meds in the first place. 

“Yeah, I’m supposed to pick them up tomorrow.” Claire thought back to when they made a bet before their first time while waiting for her meds to come. It felt like a lifetime ago. 

Melendez nodded in understanding, his teeth pulling uncomfortably at his bottom lip. “Well, it seems like you’re good to go, you just need sleep. Go home, try and get some rest. I’ll tell Andrews I let you go.” 

“But my patients—”

“—would much rather see you when you’re well-rested. It’s better to be safe than sorry no matter how much of a cliche that is,” he interrupted. 

“Ugh, fine,” she groaned, “I guess staying here is just letting me wallow in regret anyway.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It— it means that I should have called my therapist before letting it get this bad,” she teased, knowing better than to say her real answer.

“Right,” he gave out a weak laugh but looked disappointed for some reason. “Well, I guess you’re good to go then. I’ll uh, I’ll update Andrews on everything. Goodbye, Dr. Browne.” Claire nodded as he got up to leave, leaning back onto the bed and wondering how long it would take to not feel so heartbroken every time he walked away. 

Once Melendez was out of earshot, she finally muttered her dreaded realization before letting the words blow away with the wind. “It means I wish we were still together.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've noticed my chapters have gradually become longer and longer and I'm not sure if that's because my writing is getting better or worse, haha. Anyway, hope you guys liked this chapter and, as always, comments are greatly appreciated :)


	12. Serenity At Last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire and Neil heal on their own, and revelations are made.

Over the next few weeks, Claire gradually— as Morgan had so lovingly put it— made sleep her bitch. 

It was a slow but steady process. The more sessions Claire went to and the more she talked to her friends and colleagues, the more she felt something shift inside of her. The stress still flared up sometimes and heartbreak still lingered in the deepest parts of her heart, but it was manageable now. Every time she found herself overwhelmed with the world she’d call her therapist or Morgan (or even Shaun occasionally) and took deep breaths until she calmed down. Of course, the teasing from Morgan was nonstop. Morgan quickly switched between fainting jokes to subtle teases about Melendez. 

“I suppose that Melendez messing up one of the most basic surgeries _wasn’t_ about him not being able to take his eyes off of you?” she would tease. Claire quickly learned that trying to give a flustered response made things worse and stopped answering. Besides, she knew how to be happy without Melendez, she just realized now that it wasn’t even close to how he made her feel. Either way, she learned how to push through her pain the same way she had with every awful thing that happened to her before: by taking a deep breath and then another. Therapy really helped her heal, quickly teaching her how to deal with her trauma and how to stop letting it weigh her down. Some days were harder than others and at first, it was a constant struggle. To some extent, it would always be a struggle, but the results were emotionally rewarding to no end. It wasn’t that same blissful happiness that she had before with Melendez— something she knew she’d always only have with him— but rather a softer, quieter inner peace. Her pain didn’t disappear but this time she was strong enough to not let it consume her. The cycle of constant stress was finally broken and it felt good. 

Her night terrors weren’t as bad anymore. She still had them sometimes but they were much less frequent now. Something about them changed. They weren’t as lifelike as before and she’d wake up disoriented, her memory foggy on the details of the dream. Work was enjoyable now to the point where she mustered up the guts to go back onto Melendez’s rotation, figuring it would have to happen sooner rather than later. Or maybe she just missed working with him. _Whatever_. It was awkward at first, and Claire would be lying to herself if she said she didn’t find it a little awkward still, but it was civilized. Friendly, even. Those looks he’d give her that were full of want and longing were probably just in her head, right? 

Right? 

“Why did you just sigh?” Shaun stood next to her observing curiously. “Are you going to faint again? Would you like me to get you something to increase your blood sugar? That will help with fatigue.” 

“No,” she laughed, “I appreciate the concern but I’m fine, Shaun. Besides, we should be focused on trying to get our patient to agree to this surgery. I mean, why doesn’t this girl want something that could save her life?” 

“She says that it is too expensive and that she will not be able to afford the college she wants to go to but that does not make sense. She will not be able to go to any college if she is dead.” 

“Fair point. Maybe we can convince her to pay for this and then just choose her backup college.” 

“Backup?” 

“Yeah, you know, the one you apply to in case you don’t make it into your first choice. Everyone has backups. Backup jobs in case you don’t get your dream job, backup emergency contacts, backup first aid kits. You never had a backup plan?” 

“No. I have always wanted to be a doctor.”

“Well having a backup plan is a good thing. They’re always there just in case things don’t go as planned.” 

“Is that why Dr. Melendez applied for another job? Just in case?” 

“Dr. Melendez didn’t apply for another job,” Claire snorted. If he had done that, he would have told her. Or, at the very least, he would have taken it and bolted the minute she ended the relationship.

“Yes, he did, I saw it on his desk before the Halloween party. It was a job application to another hospital in San Jose. And it is still there.” It was true. Claire racked her mind for any explanation, any excuse to believe that what Shaun had seen wasn’t true, but none came up. It was real. After all of this, every part of her that broke after seeing coworkers glare at them, every worry that had caused her to spiral and call it quits, he had found a backup plan for all of it and hadn’t even told her. Claire’s mind went blank and her eyes went wide like a deer in headlights. 

“What?” 

* * *

_God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I cannot accept, and wisdom to know the difference._

Neil knew he had been obnoxiously bitter during the first week after they had called it quits. His reflexes had kicked in and he couldn’t help but revert back to his old, arrogant, and surly ways. Now, as he sat at his desk with the lamp sending a dim glow throughout his office, he knew it was a mistake. Even though he hadn’t been religious in a very long time, he remembered that old saying about accepting the things you can’t change and changing the things you couldn't accept or something like that. It was helpful. He tried his best to do the right thing and get over her. _As if there were any getting over Claire Browne_. He hadn’t been able to tell her he loved her and it made him furious, but he knew she didn’t want him to be miserable so he swallowed his anger and tried to move on. For the first two weeks, he could have sworn he had but now, on the third week, Claire switched back to his service. Suddenly, his grumpy mood disappeared and was replaced with nervousness and excitement. And, ok, seeing her around this hospital was one thing, but watching her work with him? _God_ , it made his heart hurt. She was brilliant. She convinced their patient to consent to a risky surgery, which took a lot of work to do (that poor sick girl was stubborn to no end). She was just incredible. She was… walking into his office? 

He sat on the edge of his desk. “Hey, great work today, convincing the p—”

“You applied for another job when we were together?” Claire looked more surprised than happy as if she wanted him to prove her wrong. He couldn’t; it was true. 

“Yes. And I still have the offer.” Neil looked down at his shoes, not willing to put himself through the hurt it would take to look her in the eyes. Her breathing started to get more audible and he looked up from the ground to see Claire at the other end of his office, pacing and breathing in and out forcefully and fervently. “What are you doing?” 

“Taking deep breaths to decrease my stress, and to stop myself from _screaming at you_ ,” she huffed. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

His eyes met hers and he didn’t look away this time, finding it more exhilarating instead of painful. He could tell that she was looking for something in his eyes. Something that maybe, he suspected, had never left, even after their breakup. “It started out as just a backup plan for us. I was going to surprise you with it.” 

Claire scoffed. “And when I was miserable and sleep-deprived, that didn’t seem like a good time to mention it? Or when we were fighting and broke up? Why didn’t you tell me _that_ night?!” 

“Believe me, there were plenty of things that I wanted to say that night that I didn’t get to,” her frustration had rubbed off on him and his tone got defensive and standoffish. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He could tell that deep down she already knew. Having this distance between them made him miserable and he knew at that moment that he couldn’t stand not being with her. So finally, he let the words he’d been dying to say slide off of his lips. 

“That I was on my way, that night at the party to tell you _I love you_.” 

“What?” Claire’s heart pounded in her ears. He loved her. All of the feelings for him that she had worked so hard to tuck away came flooding out to the surface as she blinked back the tears. She loved him too. Even when she had given up, and although she had been so utterly terrified to admit it, she loved him.

“I still do. I’d be stupid not to,” he continued. “And I was going to tell you that night that I took that job at a different hospital just in case it was too hard to stay here. That we were going to figure it out. That I would have fought the whole damn hospital if it meant getting to be with you. I was going to tell you about all of it. But _god_ , you were so set on ending it, would it have mattered anyway?” He sounded defeated and for the first time, it dawned on Claire that he didn’t realize she loved him back. He thought she had just been looking for an excuse to leave. How could he have ever thought that she didn’t?

“Of course it would have mattered! I wanted to be with you, I still do want to be with you. I was just scared that we weren’t prepared for the worst, scared that the judgment would never end. But knowing that we had a way to fix it? _Of_ _course,_ it would have mattered!” 

“Why?” His heart was racing, knowing— or at least hoping— that his suspicions about what her answer would be were correct. 

“Because I love you too.” It came out almost like a cry, his ears soaking in the echo of each word. She shook her head slightly, her eyes glossy and hopeful. “I lo—” 

Neil couldn’t stand the seemingly huge gap of space between them anymore. He walked over with determination and, before she could finish her sentence, cupped her face with his hands and kissed her firmly. Changing the things he couldn’t accept never felt so good. Claire was stunned at first, only taking a fraction of a second to respond and sink into it as though they had never stopped. Their faces crashed together and made it hungry and passionate. Claire wrapped one hand around the back of his neck and the other to grasp onto his collar (after all this time she still remembered how he loved it when she did that), pulling him closer and closer with both until he was flush against her. His mouth tugged at her bottom lip a little and she inhaled sharply. Neil had almost forgotten how good it felt to kiss her. He wanted to hit himself on the head for ever stopping. All of that lost time was torture. He kissed back even harder to make it up to her before pulling away. 

“We were so stupid to ever stop this,” Neil’s voice came out low and rough, the same tone he reserved only for Claire. 

She let out a small laugh, her breathing still heavy from the kiss. “So stupid.”

He smiled before lifting her chin up and pulling her in for one more small kiss. “Let’s get out of here.” Claire hummed into the side of his face before they left his office arm in arm, the few nurses that were there for the upcoming nightshift smiling approvingly. It was all Claire needed to let go of everything. After all this time fearing that no one would love her just as her mother had said, she had proved her wrong. She loved someone and she was loved back. She was finally able to be with him and no one could take that away from her.

Claire slept perfectly that night. For the first time, when she woke up in Neil’s arms once again with the sun beaming down on them, she didn’t want to wake up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, alright. The torturing has stopped. They're together again, yay!  
> I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. I really wanted Claire to be able to find peace on her own before getting back together with Melendez so I hope I conveyed that. Anyway, I really appreciate you guys sticking with me through this story so far and I hope you enjoy what's coming up :)


	13. Home Is Where the Heart Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: the name of Claire's therapist in canon really is Dr. Malkin according to IMDB. Who knew!  
> Also, a small disclaimer: I don't know any Spanish whatsoever so even though I did want Neil to say a few sentences in Spanish to Gabby, I have no idea if they're grammatically correct and apologize in advance if they aren't. 
> 
> I know you guys like the long chapters, so this one's nice and long for you :)

“So what did those dreams mean then?” 

Claire sat on her therapist’s comfy sofa before work and poured her heart out, tapping her foot nervously. Rationally she knew that going into detail about her dreams to Dr. Malkin was a good thing but she still felt uncomfortable. For starters, there were only three days until Christmas eve and she still had shopping to do which made her very impatient. She also couldn’t help but worry that talking too much about her dreams would somehow bring them back, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. It had been a while since her last truly awful night terror. In fact, she’d only had one in the two months since she and Neil had reconciled and it was a pretty dormant one at that. She had snapped out of her dream only half awake and Neil routinely put his arm around her and pulled her in close and tight, almost as if it were a reflex. She had fallen back to sleep in minutes. Still, it made her think a little harder, a little deeper. So instead, she’d decided to describe her nightmares to her therapist. Because nothing says holiday cheer like explaining the thing that haunted you for months, right? 

“Well,” Dr. Malkin started, “there are quite a few studies that hint at meanings of people in our dreams. For women, men may represent your fears and other women represent different aspects of your personality. For men, vice versa.”

“So, what, when my mom says in my dreams that I’m just like her, it- ... it’s because I am?” Claire couldn’t tell if she was shivering at the thought or if it was just from the snow she had drudged through earlier.

“No, no,” her therapist brushed away the idea. “It just means that part of you might have _thought_ you were like her. Your mother, in this instance, might represent the similarities you think the two of you share.” 

“Well, what about the guy that keeps popping up by her side? The man, that shadow. He’s always there too.” 

“Hmm.” Claire hated it when Dr. Malkin made that little noise. It meant she was onto something and Claire almost always hated where it was going. “This shadow man, you said it poured over the walls and the ceiling, correct?” 

“Yeah.” Claire’s voice felt cautious. 

“Well, perhaps this man is your fear. Maybe… maybe your fear is that something will happen to your home, to your family.” 

“I don’t really have a family anymore, technically,” Claire corrected. It was a sad statement but it was true. 

“Well not a biological family, no, but there are still people you trust in your life. Perhaps your brain was reliving the trauma of losing your family while also expressing the fear of losing whatever sense of home you have. That’s maybe why they’re triggered by stress.” Claire was shocked. Dr. Malkin had pretty much nailed that head-on. It made so much sense that she was just scared of losing whoever or whatever made her feel at home. 

And she had a pretty good guess as to what made her feel at home. 

* * *

Her session was pretty light and breezy after that. Once the hour was up, she grabbed her coat and scarf and dashed out the door. The snow and slush were everywhere which made driving to work a pain in the ass, but she figured everyone else would be ten minutes late because of the weather too. On top of that, they’d all be jolly and cheerful. _Just great_.

It wasn’t that Claire hated Christmas. The holiday seemed nice in theory but her holiday experience had been tainted one too many times with memories of picking her mom up from sketchy places or her only presents being whatever she found in the lost and found box that the bartender let her rifle through, that the holiday just never felt magical to her. Walking into the hospital was nice though. Claire had to admit… she didn’t hate it. There were tiny Christmas lights everywhere and tinsel around the door frames. Someone had even brought in elf hats for the nurses. It was ridiculous how much effort these doctors put into the holiday season but Claire secretly missed being that excited for the holidays. She missed being as joyful and eager as everyone, especially as Neil. If there was one thing that made her smile during this time, it was Neil. They made plans to celebrate Christmas together with Gabby and he was ecstatic about it. Claire hadn’t actively celebrated Christmas with anyone in a long time to the point where being alone on Christmas day just felt more comfortable but Neil’s excitement was contagious. Eventually, she felt that jolly smile tugs at her lips as she flung on her scrubs. 

“You’re late, Browne,” someone called out. Even though she’d changed as quickly as possible she still came barreling in fifteen minutes late. Already flustered and out of breath she whipped her head around, prepared to offer a million and one excuses to Andrews, but found Neil instead. His playful anger instantly turned into a small smirk. 

“I had car trouble, Dr. Melendez,” she teased coyly. 

“Unacceptable. Punctuality is still highly valued highly at this hospital, Dr. Browne. Now come here this instant,” he continued his act jokingly. Although she found it odd that he asked her to come over when they were no more than ten feet apart, she played along and walked over. 

Claire playfully rolled her eyes. “Fine, what do I have to do?” _Please don’t let it be scutwork_ , she thought. 

Wondering what all this fuss was about over being late, she looked around, feeling the giggles from the nurses on the back of her neck as Park let out an “uh oh” while standing from a distance. Melendez’s eyes shot up slyly and Claire found what everyone was looking at. 

“You can’t be serious.” Hung on the ceiling was fresh mistletoe. It wasn’t even the fake kind you’d buy at the dollar store, it was _actual_ mistletoe. “I thought-” she let her voice drop to a whisper, “I thought we agreed to keep the PDA at work to a minimum.” Her whisper came out a little too excited for her liking. 

“I felt festive,” he shrugged, his fingertips already at her waist waiting eagerly. She looked around the room cautiously but, locking eyes with Neil, she threw caution to the wind and kissed him hard. She tugged at his collarbone as they pulled apart and he exhaled as though his breath had just been taken away. Clearly, he had expected her to put up a bit more of a fight. What used to feel awkward and nerve-wracking to do in front of their colleagues now felt different. The nurses were smiling adoringly and whispering joyfully about it. Even Park shrugged and gave a partially approving look. Whether it was the holiday spirit or just common sense, everyone in the hospital had nothing but positive reactions. Claire couldn’t help but smile a bit as she leaned into Neil before walking away. 

Maybe Christmas wasn’t the worst thing after all.

* * *

Neil’s alarm went off at 6:00 am on Christmas day. They had decided to spend Christmas eve having a _celebration_ of their own tucked away by his fireplace before spending the day with Gabby. Claire was woken up to the obnoxious beeping and pouted, finding it borderline criminal to be awake at this hour.

“It’s so early,” she groaned. Her head nuzzled into Neil’s chest and kissed the spot where his stag tattoo was.

“I know,” he muttered, “but we have to get up if we want to get to the care center on time.” He pulled the sheets off of his bare torso and sat up. Claire groaned even louder at the sudden distance between them. She wasn’t a morning person and she _certainly_ wasn’t going to be without Neil in bed keeping her warm. “We’ll come back to bed when we get back, I promise.” He leaned over and gave her a quick kiss before getting up to get dressed. Claire sighed, admiring how happy Neil seemed, and reluctantly pulled the sheets off of her to find some clothes. She had been spending most nights at his place and by now she had an abundance of outfits stuffed in his closet. 

The drive to Gabby’s was longer than usual. The roads were practically sheets of ice covered in a blanket of angelic snowflakes falling from the sky so traffic was a bitch but they managed to get there on time, hauling the small pile of gifts out of Claire’s car. They didn’t even get the chance to knock before Gabby was opening the door. 

“Neil! Claire! Come on in, come on in,” she motioned for them to enter.

“Feliz Navidad, hermanita,” Neil smiled back endearingly. He tucked a strand of hair behind Gabby’s ear before hugging her and walking inside. Claire made sure to hug her too, even with the pile of presents dangling in her arms. Gabby showed her to the little plastic pine tree that the three of them had set up and decorated, and Claire placed the gifts under the tree. Claire found it heartwarming that Gabby had let Claire spend Christmas with them and wanted to show Gabby how much that meant to her, so she and Neil went nuts on the presents (Neil was gushing when she told him why). 

Breakfast came first. The caretakers were kind enough to make all sorts of pancakes for them. Claire was still tired but seeing Neil so happy put her in such a good mood that even the hot cocoa was able to give her some energy. Even seeing Gabby, cheery and excited, restored her faith in the Christmas spirit just a teeny bit. Looking around the table while eating her pancakes made her stomach feel warm and fuzzy. Sitting here with the two of them on Christmas day, talking and laughing, Claire felt like they’d already been doing this for years. It just felt right. 

“Present time now,” Gabby had declared as soon as she finished her food. They all gathered by the Christmas tree, Claire noticing how Neil suddenly looked a bit fidgety and nervous (although Claire knew she’d love whatever he’d gotten her no matter how bad it actually was). Gabby insisted Claire go first and handed her a big box wrapped in scrappy chunks of wrapping paper. When Claire opened it, she found what was maybe the cutest hand-knit Christmas sweater she’d ever seen. It looked a little old and used but it was dark green with little snowflakes and a funny-looking snowman knitted into it. 

“You said you didn’t have any Christmas sweaters so I gave you this one!” 

“It’s so lovely. Thank you, Gabby.” Claire smiled and reached across the box to give Gabby a hug. The shirt felt cozy as Claire slipped it on over her head. She turned around to see Neil’s expression and was surprised to see him in total shock, a slight smile tugging at his lips as his mouth hung wide open.

“¿Le diste el suéter navideño de mamá?” Gabby looked at him and nodded sagely. _Mother_? Claire now had their mother’s Christmas sweater. _Woah_. The sweater somehow felt heavier now that she understood the full meaning behind receiving it. Claire felt herself tear up just slightly at the kind gesture Neil wrapped his arms around her from behind her on the floor and she leaned back in between his legs, smiling as he nuzzled his face in the nape of her neck. Claire understood why he had been so ecstatic to spend Christmas together now. It was fun, it was warm. Being with him was like being home. 

“Ok, ok, now it’s your turn Gabby!” Claire leaned forward and passed all of the presents over, Melendez pulling her back in as soon as she finished to kiss her cheek. Gabby opened her presents one by one, and Claire took a million pictures on her phone of her priceless face every time she tore open the wrapping paper. 

It took them a few hours to get through all of the gifts. Claire bought Gabby a jigsaw puzzle of a garden that looked a bit like the one outside of the care center. Claire had gotten earrings from Neil that matched the necklace he gave her the night of the party, as well as a fancy clip tuner for her guitar. She had gotten him sneakers and track pants, because _how else was he going to stand a chance against her at the track if he didn’t have the best gear?_ Throughout all of the laughter and smiles, and even after she had opened her gifts, Claire noticed how Neil still looked anxious. His smile was there as bright as day but he kept fiddling his thumbs and held her in his arms more tightly than usual. After they had finished, Claire watched as Gabby started piecing it together at the small kitchen table. 

“I, uh, I do have one more present for you, actually.” Neil cleared his throat and pressed his lips together in a nervous smile. “That is if you want it.” 

Claire stood up to meet his eye level. “Is that why you’ve been acting weird? Because you think I won’t want this gift? Babe, I haven’t had this many Christmas presents in years, I’ll love whatever it is.” 

He took a deep breath, readying himself. “I sure hope that’s true.” Claire had no idea what present would get him this worked up but when he was nervous so was she. To Claire’s surprise, instead of reaching for a box or bag from under the tree, he reached into his coat pocket and revealed a pair of keys. One of them Claire instantly recognized as a key to his apartment and the other she assumed was a mailbox key. 

Claire snorted. “Your keys? Are you planning on getting wasted or something?” The laugh he gave back was weak and she scrunched her face as if to say _come on_. It was only when she looked at the keys that she realized they weren’t his own keys. His normal set had a car clicker and way more than two keys. Those were different keys. As in someone else’s keys…as in her keys. 

“I just figured that since your rent spiked— and I mean you’re spending most nights at my place anyway— that we could just…” 

“You want me to move in with you?” Claire’s heart felt like a hummingbird vibrating in her chest. So that was why he was so nervous. He wanted her to live with him. That statement alone made her terrified, just like her therapist had said. Saying he felt like home was one thing, but this? A home together? That was permanent. It was serious. Then, she realized, part of her felt relieved. Happy, even. If he was as nervous as she was about this, it was because he didn’t want to lose everything. And that meant there was something to lose.

“Yes. I don’t want to spend another day waking up with you not right beside me. What do you say, Dr. Browne?” Claire was beaming as the world melted away. The silence between them grew as she thought about how much she would love having a home with him. Of waking up in his arms, of coming home to him every day, of being able to kiss him when she felt like it without having to drive fifteen minutes. Even with the possibility of it all going wrong, they could withstand it, she assured herself. They had already overcome so many obstacles, she wasn’t going to let them ruin her anymore. 

“Yes!” Claire finally broke the silence and squealed as she jumped into Neil’s arms. He held her by the thighs of her legs that had wrapped themselves around his waist and spun her around, the two of them laughing and smiling. Gabby, without even needing to know what had just happened, started clapping from her chair at the table. Neil put Claire back down once they got dizzy but the two of them were still breathing heavily from the rush of adrenaline. 

“Or we could move into your place— or get a place of our own— whatever you want really,” he managed to stammer out while Claire was repeatedly kissing his cheeks, switching sides seemingly at random. 

“No, no! I love your place,” she refuted happily. Neil smiled and Claire kissed him, her lips tugging softly yet relentlessly at his. 

“Merry Christmas, Claire,” was all Melendez could say as she pulled away, their foreheads still touching. 

“Merry Christmas.” 

The snow gently fell from the sky that night as Neil, sweaty and sprawled out on the sheets of their bed, tucked a strand of hair behind Claire’s ear and whispered, “Welcome home.”


	14. Happy Anniversary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt romantic and cheesy today so folks, you're going to love this one.   
> I'm also really close to the end of this fic, it's scaring me. But hey, let's just live in the moment. Hope you guys are satisfied with how this story has progressed, and that you like this chapter just as much as I do <3

Working at a hospital is unpredictable. 

At least that’s what Claire had tried to tell Neil when he picked up a late shift the night before their one year anniversary. 

The move into his apartment was pretty easy for Claire. Boxes were unpacked, rules were set, and they found out about each other’s quirks pretty quickly.  _ No matter how well you think you know someone, you never truly know them until you live with them _ , Neil decided. There were small, more endearing things they learned about each other: how he always fell asleep at the couch waiting for her to come back from a shift at the hospital, or how Claire always squeezed the toothpaste tube flat from the bottom up, refusing to leave any excess. Then there were smaller things they bickered about: how Neil had a bowl to put his keys in but never actually used it, whose turn it was to take out the garbage, or who took up more closet space. Even after the occasional more serious fight, they would go into separate rooms until it was ready to be resolved. Eventually, a new ecosystem had been established. Neil didn’t let domestic bliss stop him from feeling that warm swelling in his heart. On the contrary, it actually made him feel even luckier, being able to kiss her and breathe her in every morning. Days swiftly grew into weeks, months, and then soon their one year anniversary came around the corner. 

Now, mere days before their anniversary, however, Neil felt his phone buzz and his heart sank. The calendar app on his phone set off the ping to remind him that he was scheduled to work at the hospital the night before their anniversary. The thought frustrated him to no end— he had other things in mind that night— but in his experience, trying to get out of a shift this late in the game was near impossible. Besides, this kind of rotten luck was actually pretty on-brand for them which was funny in some weird, twisted sense. Claire hated the idea just as much as Neil which is why she brought up the argument that was irrefutable, the point they both agreed on: that hospitals were unpredictable. 

“It’ll just be one night,” he reassured as they sat on their couch. “I’ll be back before you even wake up.” 

“If you’re lucky, that is. _Who_ _knows_ how much longer you might get held up there? What happens if you end up having to stay the entire day?”

“I’m only scheduled for the night, to hell with them if they want to try and keep me from you longer than that,” he replied. “Everything will be fine, Claire, I promise.” He kissed her on the forehead before wrapping his arms around her. Immediately, he could feel some of the tension in her shoulders float away and felt a bit guilty for being the one to cause it. Her head rested softly on his chest and the open skin that her face pressed against felt hot to the touch. He knew that he could spend forever like this, the two of them holding on tight as if the world would collapse if they let go. He knew he could spend the rest of his life with her— that he  _ wanted _ to— and had known for quite some time now. That was one of the main reasons why this anniversary was, unbeknownst to Claire, so important to him. 

“You better make it up to me then,” was all she replied, her voice muffled by the fabric of his shirt, “because you  _ so _ owe me.” 

He leaned back to meet her gaze. “Oh I’m counting on it,” he smirked, Claire reluctantly laughing as he pulled her in and kissed her. His tongue swiped the side of her cheek slowly, her hands tugged at the collar of his shirt, and the conversation was officially dropped, their minds moving to other things. 

The next night, Neil grabbed his briefcase and headed out for work, leaving Claire to lounge around their place and be bored out of her mind. 

She flipped through all the shitty cable channels, all of Netflix’s recommendations, and even all of the old DVDs she had, but nothing sparked her interest. 

It wasn’t that Claire had a boring life. On the contrary, her life never stopped being interesting. In fact, this was the most uneventful her life had been in ages and she hated it. It was just that Neil wouldn’t be home until the morning and the number of people she knew who weren’t already asleep at this hour was very small. So, without even thinking about it, her fingers flew instinctively over the keypad on her phone and dialed away. 

“Reznick. Start talking.” 

“Hi to you too, Morgan,” Claire teased. Hearing her dear friend’s voice was a comfort to her (even though if you had told her years ago that Morgan Reznick would become one of her close friends she would have laughed). 

“Oh,” she let out a relieved sigh, “sorry. I couldn’t see the caller ID, I’m driving to work. What’s up, Browne?”

“Oh, you know, I’m just home alone doing nothing. Neil only left thirty minutes ago and I’m already bored out of my mind.” 

“Ah yes, and how are you and Dr. Lovebird? Hasn’t he proposed yet? It’s been a year for crying out loud.” Morgan had reluctantly become a fan of their relationship after a while, something that always made Claire roll her eyes in mock indignation. 

“Morgan, that’s ridiculous. It’s only been a year. We’re taking it slow, I am in no way expecting for him to be thinking about any of that.” 

“I’m just saying,” she explained defensively, “you guys have known each other a lot longer. He should do it already. Put a ring on it. Beyonce is always right, you know.” 

The laugh Claire let out at that statement turned into more of a snort. “I am  _ so not  _ discussing this with you anymore.” 

“Oh whatever, don’t act like you don’t secretly love the idea of being married to Melendez.” 

She  _ did _ , not that she’d ever tell Morgan that. Whatever sliver of Claire that dreamed of marrying Neil was reserved for her and her only. Besides, all girlfriends imagine that on some level. It was just a flirty pipe dream, right? “Oh, look at that. The connection’s breaking up,” Claire teased. “Have fun at work!” 

“Nice try,” she replied. Morgan saw through anyone and everyone’s bullshit, but Claire expected nothing less. 

“Bye, Morgan.” 

“Idiot,” was all Morgan said, lighthearted and teasing, before hanging up. 

The hours passed slowly until Claire, with nothing better to do, made herself some tea before going to bed. 

* * *

Maybe it was the way she had stayed so still while trying to fall asleep or the way she was missing Neil a lot more than usual. Maybe it was her boredom hitting her, or the fact that her slippers were placed perpendicular to each other at the foot of her bed, or any of the myths or tactics people believe, really. But for some reason, that night Claire began lucid dreaming. 

Naturally, her nightmares had started, but she was in control. She knew how to change it somehow, how to make it stop. It felt less scary this time knowing it was just a dream; it felt less real. All she had to do was think something into her dream. Her mother could disappear, they could move from the police station to the hospital, they could be in Northern Ireland if it was what Claire wanted to happen. The sudden gain of control was comforting to Claire. Her dreams rarely ever came back though, and she wondered why they were tickling at her brain even now that they were tameable. Dr. Malkin had suggested that they were triggered by stress but as Claire looked at the people in her dream from above, knowing full well she was sleeping and that it was all a dream, she couldn’t find any reason to be stressed. 

_ “Why am I stressed? Why are you here?” She asked as she wandered over to her mother in the dream.  _

_ “How am I supposed to know?” Breeze’s words were slurred and flimsy. “God, would you make that ringing stop? It’s so annoying.” _

_ Claire was about to give up on asking for help from her mom when she realized she was hearing the ringing too. Only it didn’t feel like it was in the dream. The ringing was loud and solid, like something in the real world would be. Like a phone would be. At this hour, if someone was calling her, it was important. Important enough to cause her stress.  _

_ Something was wrong. “I need to get out of this dream,” Claire realized.  _

_ “Well, what are you waiting for?” Her mother’s voice suddenly got loud and horrifyingly hollow. “WAKE UP.”  _

Breeze’s shouting was loud enough to jumpscare Claire back into reality. She woke up startled and grabbing onto the bed sheets for stability where she would have normally grabbed onto Neil. Taking in her surroundings, she found the phone ringing on their bedside table and picked it up. It was from the hospital.

“Hello?” 

“Dr. Browne?” One of the nurses on the night shift asked.

“Yes, this is she.” 

“Sorry to call you so late, but there’s been an incident at the hospital. You are the emergency contact for Dr. Melendez, correct?.” 

Claire’s head spun around and felt overwhelmed. Everything was happening so fast, her heart was beating so fast just to keep up.  _ Neil _ . “I’m on my way.” Never in Claire’s life had she torn the blankets off of her so vehemently, nor had she driven so recklessly. The determination to get to him had taken over as she whirred through the doors and aggressively tapped at the elevator buttons as if that would make them go faster. Stepping off the elevator without scrubs felt weird— especially considering she hadn’t changed out of her pajamas and had just pulled a coat on— but she immediately saw Morgan and all awkwardness was overcome by feelings of worry and urgency. 

“Morgan!” Where is he?” Her voice sounded frantic and she walked around frantically. 

“He’s in the ED, they gave him a room after what happened but I don't know which one,” she called out as Claire walked further and further out of earshot. 

Nurse Fryday saw Claire in a panic and was kind enough to show her to his room, closing the glass door behind him. 

The sight of him made Claire feel relieved and yet uneasy. Neil sat on the edge of his seat as another nurse tended to a gash in his shoulder the size of her fist. His left eye was so puffy it had closed up and was covered in shades of black, purple, and blue. He was alive. He was hurt, but he was alright.

“Claire.” Relief washed over his face as soon as his eyes met hers. He shifted around on the edge of the bed and then before he could stand up, Claire was rushing towards him. She sat down next to him and tossed her purse onto the floor, hugging him as hard as she could without causing him pain. 

“I was so worried,” she sighed, her voice shaky. “What happened?” 

“A patient came in with a busted leg. The guy was clearly on something, totally out of it. The cops were on their way but he just started spouting nonsense and pacing around… so I stepped in. And that,” Neil explained as he pointed to the gash on his shoulder and winced, “is when he threw one of the lamps in the waiting room at me and punched me in the face.” He brushed his injuries off with a dismissive hand. 

Claire took the time to digest all of what he had just told her. Relief had already set in and now she couldn’t help but feel a little annoyed. She turned to address the nurse. “What's the extent of his injuries?” 

“The gash in his shoulder was caused by the lamp’s lightbulb breaking,” the nurse assured her. “It’s just a minor flesh wound, only a few stitches were needed. Other than that, he’s got a busted eye and a mild concussion but he should be fine in no time.” 

“That scar better not ruin my stag tattoo too,” Neil muttered. 

Claire scoffed. Of course, _ that’s _ what he’s worried about. “Thank you. Can you excuse us for a moment?” The nurse nodded and left the room. “So this shoulder,” she pointed at his other shoulder as she turned back to face Neil, “it’s totally fine then?”

“Yeah, why—”

“Good.” Claire punched his uninjured shoulder lightly enough to not leave a mark but still aggressive enough that Neil winced. 

“Ow! What the hell was that for?”

“You’re unbelievable. You got attacked by an unstable patient and the only thing you can think about is your stag tattoo? You could have died!” 

“I’m sorry I put you through so much stress. But I’m fine, really,” he protested. “I hardly think a  _ lamp  _ could kill me, Claire.” 

“Why take the chance? The cops were on their way, you didn’t have to intervene. What did stepping in accomplish? Nothing! You promised you nothing would happen tonight. You can’t just pull crap like this. You’re lucky that this time it was just some stitches and a bruise, it could have been way worse. I can’t handle way worse, Neil, I can’t. And neither can Gabby, or all of our friends at this hospital. You can’t just waltz around playing hero, you idiot, it’s just—”

“Marry me,” he interrupted. Claire snapped out of her rant only to see that Neil had been looking at her in bewildered adoration the entire time, a small smile pulling at the sides of his mouth. 

“What?” Her voice was soft and she could tell she looked stunned. 

“Marry me,” he repeated with a soft laugh. “I… I love you. You’re brilliant and kind, and you mean everything to me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Claire.” 

Claire could hear her heart pounding in her chest. She didn’t know what to think. “But we’ve only been dating a year. What happened to you wanting to take things slowly?” 

Neil smiled and shook his head sagely, “We’ve known each other a lot longer than that. It took us years to find each other, I don’t want to waste another minute.” 

Whatever hesitation Claire had was slowly disappearing. It didn’t stop her from pulling out all of the stops though, just to be sure. “Well, are- are you sure about this? I mean you did just get punched in the face, it could just be the concussion talking.” 

Neil rifled around in the inner pocket of his blazer and pulled out a small black box. He opened the top to reveal a slim engagement ring with a modest round diamond at the center. Woah. “I know you said you hate romantics, and I was going to give this to you tomorrow—or today actually,” he realized as he saw the hands of his watch positioned at 3:00 am, “but plans changed.” 

“Oh wow.” She followed his lead as he stood up with her and pulled her in close, holding the ring. The scene attracted quite a few of the nurses and surgeons, including Morgan and Shaun, who were all now watching in anticipation through the glass panels.

“Claire,” he started slowly, his voice low and raspy in the way that made her crazy, “will you marry me?” 

There was a deafening silence that seemed to carry throughout the entire floor of the hospital. This was real, this was happening. She thought about it long and hard. Neil had come into her life at such a dark time in her life. It was filled with pain, and grief, and nightmares that made Claire feel like she was in an endless maze. He saw the most vulnerable parts of her, and she saw the vulnerable parts of him. Before she knew it, they had become something to each other that, in one way or another, they’d both lost touch with: family. Someone to love, through the scars that are visible and the ones that aren’t. Maybe that was why they worked so well because it was all out in the open from the very start, and because they healed together. Because they were meant for each other. 

So, taking a deep breath, she gave her answer. “Yes. Yes,” she repeated with more enthusiasm. She nodded as tears formed in her eyes. 

Neil was beaming and his smile stretched out on his face. The tips of his fingers tugged at her sides and pulled her in to kiss her. They could hear cheering from the other side of the glass and Claire laughed against his lips. They only pulled away for a minute when Neil clumsily pulled the ring out of the box, both laughing and shaking with excitement as the ring slid onto Claire’s finger. She hugged him as tenderly as she could without hurting his shoulder and gave him a rather sloppy kiss, catching most of his bottom lip, before they were interrupted by the crowd of nurses and surgeons who had come into the room to congratulate them. Morgan took the opportunity to gloat about how she was right, Shaun gave Claire a big hug (which she knew was a big deal for him and did not go unappreciated), and from somewhere she could hear Andrews groan that he owed Lim twenty bucks. Claire buried her head in Neil’s chest and laughed. Even after she had stopped laughing, she kept it there, his embrace as warm and as comforting as the first time she’d felt it. 

“Happy Anniversary, Claire.” His voice was tender and warm.

“Happy Anniversary,” she replied. Her hand moved up to fiddle with the small pearl charm of her necklace that she wore constantly, the first gift he had ever given her.

After a while, the crowd died down and everyone went back to work. Neil no longer had to work the rest of his shift, and they left the hospital arm in arm. 

The weight that had been put on his shoulders by that small ring was lifted. Feeling relieved and overjoyed, Neil was nearly speeding in the car on the way back to their place. They wasted no time as they came home through the door. Shirts were torn, breathing turned heavy, and a new bruise was sucked into Claire’s neck to match the real one on Neil’s eye as they made their way to the bedroom. Even with every wince that Neil felt, every bit of sore aching he felt in his arm, it was worth every ounce of pain for the way his skin felt hot in the places on his back that her nails dug into. For the way, his heart was racing whenever she stopped kissing him momentarily to look at him and smile. For everything they’ve been through together, and everything that was to come. 

They lay there tangled in the sheets after they had finished, Claire still twirling the ring around her finger in awe at the fact that they were now actually, officially… engaged. Neil, propping himself up with his elbow, whispered as he caressed her cheek gently with his hand, “I love you.”

Her face was glowing with a joy that was contagious, a joy that Neil found so unbelievably beautiful, as she whispered it back. “I love you too.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See, told ya! I'm a real cheeseball when it comes to proposals and romance but I think everyone needs a bit of cheesy romance every now and then. Keeps you young, haha.  
> Also, I put in a little diss to D*vid Sh*re there because I still think that Neil's death was ridiculous and stupid (sorry for reminding you guys about that, I know we'd all like to pretend that never happened lmao).


	15. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Years later, Claire has another nightmare for the first time since Melendez proposed to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so good news: I finished this fic.  
> The bad news is: I finished this fic.  
> I honestly don't know where to start. I began writing this about six months ago I believe??? And it's gotten to the point where adding another chapter just feels like second nature. I'm sad that it has come to an end and yet so happy that I got to write it. I'm also eternally grateful to all of you who read along and gave kudos and commented. There are 30,000 words in this story and yet I can't come up with any that will sufficiently show how happy I am that you all loved this story.  
> So thank you, for everything.

_ “There’s no way to escape it now.”  _

_ The normal dream setting of the police station had now become Claire’s childhood bedroom. The walls were a shade of lavender, there were toys scattered on the floor. There were soothing lullabies being played somewhere, but every few notes were a half step too high or too low and felt dissonant. It was just plain scary in a way that she hadn’t felt before in her nightmares. The eeriness of it all wasn’t lost on Claire, and she stumbled over some toys as she stepped backward away from her mother. “Mom, stop scaring me.”  _

_ “Why are you so scared all the time? Because you know you’re going to be just like me?” _

_ “I won’t be the same as you were. I can’t.”  _

_ “Mm, famous last words,” she teased. Claire didn’t find it funny.  _

_ “It’s true. I want to be better than that. Please. Please let me be better than that.” Claire was backed up against the wall now.  _

_ “You get what you get and you don’t get upset Claire Bear.” There was the sound of a child crying in the background. It got quieter as her mother’s voice became amplified. “And you got the BAD MOTHER GENE.” Her shriek was so loud that it sounded like a whistle; a banshee’s scream of terror. Claire was shaking and twisting the doorknob but the door wouldn’t open.  _

_ There isn’t a way to fully describe what she saw next. The shadow that she normally saw in her nightmares. A shadow had the closest resemblance to it and yet it never quite felt like a completely accurate description. It was pure and untouched darkness, that’s what it was. A force that wasn’t scary to see but was scary to feel. It lurked and spread over the room making everything worse. The infant kept crying, the music got eerier, her mother screamed louder and louder and louder…  _

“Claire! Wake up! Claire!” 

She felt Neil’s warm hand on her shoulder before she even opened her eyes. It was enough to pull her out of her nightmare and she jolted awake screaming at the top of her lungs. It was shrill and horrid, a scream that hadn’t been so full of fear for a long time. It didn’t take long for her to realize she was sweating. Her brow felt hot and damp, and her breathing was uncontrollable. Her hands instinctively flew to her stomach and she looked around the room frantically without actually paying attention to her surroundings. In her mind, she was still in that childhood bedroom of hers. The image was etched into her head; her mother’s words still clear as day. Without even realizing it, she was still screaming. Even awake, she still felt like she was in the middle of that nightmare. 

“Claire! It’s okay, it was just a bad dream. Shh, you’re going to be okay.” His voice sounded a million miles away but she was snapped out of her terror when he pulled her into his embrace. She felt his arms wrap around her upper half in a tight squeeze. The steady pressure gave her some relief, and even though tears were still jetting down her face and her breathing still heavy, she had stopped screaming and slowly started to come back to reality. He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead gently just as he always did to soothe her. Granted, he hadn’t had to do it in a while. It had been years since her last nightmare. Claire hadn’t had one since the night he proposed to her. Even after the stress of a wedding, through planning a honeymoon, all of it. She had remained at ease and calm. Things were different now though. Different in ways that made her nervous. 

After a while, Claire’s breathing slowed down and she stopped crying. Her tears had dried onto her face and she had a throbbing headache, but she took deep breaths again and kept her head leaning against Neil’s chest. Once she finally calmed down, he rubbed her shoulder with his thumb and spoke. “You haven’t had one of those in ages. Are you guys okay?” His hand moved to her stomach too, resting it just over hers. 

The process of recovering from her nightmares was still happening and made it hard to talk. Still, she gave a nod to reassure him that she and the baby were fine. “We’re okay. My mother’s just getting in my head, that’s all.” 

They had taken their time getting pregnant. Claire and Neil both had important careers and everything had moved so fast between them in the beginning that they had decided to wait a few years before trying for a baby, especially since once they did they’d have to go 18 years without a minute to themselves. After their three-year wedding anniversary, they got so excited about it that they finally caved and decided to start trying. Much to Claire’s surprise, it didn’t take long for their efforts to stick, and she was pregnant after only a few tries. Then, about a week ago, they had gone for an ultrasound and found out they were having a girl. A beautiful, amazing baby girl. Neil had been over the moon and was smiling the whole day. Lim high-fived her and Morgan laughed in Park’s face, who over the years had never learned from his history of losing bets that concerned Melendez and Claire’s relationship. 

It did freak Claire out a little. Of course, she was overjoyed to be bringing a girl into this world. They were finally having a new addition to their family and it made her beyond excited in ways she didn’t know were possible. But her family history hadn’t always been so jolly and neither had Neil’s. Everything that had happened between her and her mother had now made her absolutely terrified of messing up her own child in the ways her mother had messed Claire up. 

“She’s going to have a good life, right?” Claire asked the question as she looked down at the baby bump that was forming. Without needing to see her or have a name for her, Claire already felt the strongest urge to protect this baby growing inside of her from whatever awful things the world could throw at her. 

Neil’s brows furrowed and he pulled her in even closer than before. “Of course. Hey,” his voice was soft and tender. He could tell that she didn’t believe him and he responded by gently lifting her chin up with his finger to look him in the eye. “This kid is going to be the luckiest girl in the world. She’s going to be happy, and strong just like her mother.” 

Claire let out a small laugh. Hearing him be so confident and sure of himself made her heart full. Even years after their marriage, she still cherished those moments of tenderness or affection that solidified every ounce of her belief that he was the guy for her. It was a beautiful life they had, even throughout the ugly, terrifying nights like this. “She’s going to have a pretty amazing dad, too.” She smiled at the thought of Neil being a father. She knew he’d always wanted that, and it somehow comforted her, knowing he’d love and protect this kid just as much as she wanted to. 

Neil smiled and kissed Claire on the cheek. They sat there holding each other with nothing but the small lamp on the bedside table giving light to their faces. After a moment of silence spent smiling and gazing, Neil said “We should probably go back to bed. After all, we won’t be getting much sleep once  _ this _ one comes.” He eyed the baby bump again and Claire smiled, even more, this time. She was still hesitant to fall back asleep though. Neil noticed and immediately reassured her by caressing her cheek with his hand. Her face was still damp from the tears but he did it anyway. If that wasn’t true love, Claire didn’t know what was. “I’ll be right here the whole time. Even in your dreams, I’ll be there to protect you just like you protect me. You’ll be awake before you know it and I’ll be right here when you wake up. You’ll be alright, babe. I got you.” His words came out in a soft whisper, the same one that had been whispering to Claire’s heart since the day she met him. They turned off the lamp and slumped back under sheets. Claire slept facing Neil, watching how he kept one hand on her side as he closed his eyes and fell back asleep. 

She would be okay. He’d be there when she woke up, ready as ever for this baby. There was nothing she could do but repeatedly reassure herself until the fatigue hit her. It was hard to keep her eyes open to look at Neil because they were slowly closing. The words she whispered as she watched his chest rise and fall one more time before her eyes shut were for herself and herself only. 

  
_ “I’ll think of you before I fall asleep _ .” Her thoughts were of him, like they always were, as she drifted towards a better, more peaceful sleep. 


End file.
